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WHAT AMY DID NEXT

October Snapshot

Sushi at Home, 19th October 2010

Listening... Katy Perry, FURB by Frankee (don't ask), loads of female empowering/post break up anthems.

Reading... Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Brooklyn by Colm Toibin, The Princess Bride by William Goldman, Breakfast at Tiffanys by Truman Capote

Watching... Easy A, The Inbetweeners (still), Gossip Girl Season 4

Buying... a lot of books, Mac lipstick, handmade circle scarf by Cupcake Couture, a Topshop dress, new underwear, a new vintage hat, a red blazer.. and that's all I can remember but I know I bought more!

Wanting... to start saving for my Euro adventure, to move on, to sleep all the time.

Trying... to move on, to have fun.

Loving.. Gossip Girl Season 4, nights out with my hot flatmates, gin, lying in a hot bath and reading

Planning... the European adventure.

Making.... still making that damn christmas list..

Writing... today I started Nanowrimo today, so a novel.

Cooking... not much, I'm addicted to eating out.

Inspired by... Disney Princesses, Blair Waldorf, Olive Penderghast

Part 14. - The one in which I question the nature of love.

Credit ♥

I am done meeting men who have no interest in seeing the real me. The ones who give the once over with their eyes in the club and that is all they care about. What they see. That isn't who I am, and if you want to be with me, you should probably know...

I'm clumsy. So clumsy it's debatable as to how I've ended up as a waitress. I always seem to hurt myself, and break things, and trip up. If I told you I used to be a ballerina, I'm sure you'd think I was lying. My hair never lies right and my make up always runs, even if it isn't raining. I'm awkward and I always say the wrong thing. I have the oddest style, every day I look like i've lost a fight with my wardrobe. I'm a self confessed hopeless romantic. I pretend I'm jaded and bitter about love but it's a lie. I'm still waiting on my prince to come and rescue me even though my dad told me last week he's never going to come. My sister's shrink says my perception of real life and fantasy is unbalanced, she's never even met me. I laugh and smile, even when it's inappropriate because its how i've taught myself to stop crying. I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm afraid, lost, hurt and lonely.. I cry with laughter. I like Disney, and somedays I'll want you to just sit with me and watch The Lion King or Cinderella, it's a real bonus if you know all the words too. I talk in my sleep and i've been told I steal all the quilt. I like to cook for two and I'm not too dreadful, I promise I won't poison you.

I'm not looking for a guy who has a fast car or lots of money.. but if you do have a car I love to sit in the passengers seat with my feet on your dash singing obnoxiously along with a mix tape. I don't want you to be into football, or many sports at all.. I'd prefer you to like books and music. Then maybe we could have a real conversation. I'm a sucker for a musician or an artist.. At the very least know how to pronounce Merlot properly, please. The sexiest thing a man can wear is a pair of Converse Allstars, I can assure you I'm already yours. Fight with me, argue, show you have an opinion. I was brought up being taught that being able to fight your corner was not a bad thing. It shows you have passion for something, and I like passion. I'm passionate, in love and in life. You need to be too, as I know i'm capable of walking all over you. I need a guy who'll keep me in my place, I'm a bitch otherwise and I'd hate to end up wearing the trousers, because I don't even wear trousers! Fight for me. Please show me chiverly isn't dead. If we have a fight show up at my door, at midday or midnight, it doesn't matter. You don't even have to say you're sorry because as soon as I see you on my doorstep, I'll melt and say it first.

What is love anyway? I constantly meet men and they ask for my number or kiss me before they should. I don't feel anything for them, and if I do recipricate as they wish me to it's because I've drank too much vodka... and then the men I do like, the ones that give me butterflies and when they text me it makes me day so much better and their smile just makes me melt, they never like me back like that. So what happens? Do I just keep kissing all these men until I find one who is everything I'm looking got and I have to hope that he feels that way about me.. I don't know how many more times I can fall for someone and have my heartbroken before I've even said "I love you" I'm getting so close to giving up now. I feel like everyday i'm less and less like the girl I was before and I'm becoming more jaded when it comes to love. Is romance slowly dying? Or maybe it's just me..

Maybe that's it.. it's me.

Part 13. - Home.

"Maybe surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone,
I just wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know" - Home, Michael Buble"

I'm a small town girl and at eighteen, I left home. I have no plans to ever return home on a permanent basis but sometimes I just need to be there for a while. I don't fit in, I never had but it's like being cut off from the world. No one really knows who I am anymore so I can stay holed up for a while. I can hide under my quilt, I can sleep on the sofa and at certain times of the day I'm sent to the kitchen where there is food on the table waiting for me. It's home. There is my bed with my bedding on, there is my seat around the kitchen table, there are pictures of me on the wall, nothing ever changes and everything is familiar. None of my stuff is here, but I can be here and sometimes I need to be here. Being home this week has in fact come as a blessing, it's been planned for a while and i've had my tickets for week but it's come at the right time. I needed to escape this week, I needed to hole myself up, not wear make up, spend all day in my pjs and watch films guaranteed to make me cry.

I feel so drained. I've had such a trying time since arriving back in the country after my week in NYC. I'm tired of putting on a brave face and a big smile. I'm tired of pretending.. so for the next few days, I don't have to pretend i'm okay. I can sleep for what feels like one hundred years and I can cry, and it's okay. Right now I feel like crying a lot, and after I do cry, I feel better. My family are good at cheering me up too, they're crazy. It's what I love most about them. I love that my dad gets drunk and talks rubbish, I love that my mum does silly accents in the supermarket and I love that my sister and I have so many in jokes that there is always some horrific memory from our childhood we can drag up and laugh at.

Coming home when you live elsewhere is like a safety blanket. You pretend you don't need it but it's always there incase you do. I pretend all the time I don't need to go home, and nowadays I go away for longer and longer periods of time. When everything familiar in my real life starts to fall apart, I retreat and return home. When I broke up with BFG, I came home and that's when I decided what I was going to do. I make plans, I talk to people and then I'm ready to go back into the real world with my head held high. I can neatly fold away that security blanket and I'm able to stand up on my own. Everyone gets scared sometimes, I do. I'm terrified of so much, but I've learnt since May I'm perfectly able to brave. I'm so much braver than I ever used to be, even if a lot of that bravery is in the form of perfected pretend smiles.

I don't think I'll be ready to go back come Thursday. Everything is such a mess right now and I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. I need a plan, I like plans. I like to be spontanious but if I let myself be spontanious right now it would be goodbye savings, hello Heathrow airport.. I used to be convinced that if I disappeared, no one would notice, well BFG wouldn't notice. When I left, I was fine.. but that old insecurity is creeping back again. A lot of old insecurities are creeping back again and I'm struggling to convince myself otherwise.

Why is everything always so complicated?

Part 12. - Look to the star.. signs.

Credit ♥

I have to admit I'm not one of those girls that buys into superstitions, destiny and especially horoscopes, but sometimes you do read something that is so right on that it makes you think that maybe there is something to it.

I've accepted the fact that my whole life is a big cliche, but I'm still not exactly your ordinary girl... take the fact that I made a cheesecake today while breaking in my new heels. I was up on the kitchen counter grabbing things out the cupboard in these floral heels and dancing around with the broom as I cleared up the first lot of 200g biscuits I might of accident spilled on the floor.. I'm not sure I know many girls who spend their Sunday afternoons that way. I also screwed some numbers on our front door, but that's worthy of it's own post. I'd hate to think I was like every other girl and even though I'm a cliche, I still like to be different. I don't even care if that makes me odd or eccentric..

However, today I read a monthly forecast for my star sign, Pisces, and it was quite creepily correct. This prompted me to do a little bit of research into the typical characteristics of a Pisces girl and I was shocked how much my personality reflects just that! I've read through bits and pieces on different website, some made me laugh because it was so accurate. Of course I'm not over joyed that I'm completely unique. Here are some of my favourite bits that I identify with, I've even put some in bold.

Pisces, the extreme, sensitive and unusual. You desperately want to do the right thing, however this is not always easy for you as you must follow that small voice within you for good or bad. To constrict your uniqueness would make you extremely unhappy.

You like to drift into a dream world where you can forget the harsher realities of life. You have a great deal of charm, humor and sympathy which enables you to open doors that others are not capable of. You are very creative, however due to your escapist tendencies you often don't obtain your goals and objectives.

Female Pisces, you are difficult to understand due to your innate ability to use emotional blackmail in order to get what you want. If denied you can revert to over-indulgence which is really a double edged sword no matter how you look at it. You must help yourself by developing your creative talents. You tend to play mind games with those that get close to you.

You are sentimental, affectionate and sensation-seeking when it comes to the heart. Your moods alternate to extremes, therefore it is difficult to get the same impression twice. You are a chameleon, you invariably change your mannerisms, imitating whoever you are in contact with. When alone you are quite unique.

You are feminine, intuitive, responsive and sensual. You are drawn to the creative or occult subjects. You are empathetic to those who have problems, therefore you often get used. You are a great one for fantasizing and in fact acting out your desires.

Your biggest problem is that you tend to pick the wrong mate, resulting in the need to have extra marital affairs in order to receive the affection necessary for your survival. You are also prone to tears and extremely good at using emotional blackmail.

This unfortunately came from yahoo answers (anyone else find some of those answers the funniest thing ever?) but it sums up everything I'd read elsewhere. I read some of this and think "wow, I'm actually quite a pathetic person" but I know i'm not, my head and my heart are completely ruled by the bohemian values, and I know that makes me a good person. Well minus the emotional blackmail of course..

Are all the others as accurate as this? I went through some of the other star signs and I just didn't fit them half as well as I fit the Pisces profile!

September 2010 Snapshop

Statue of Liberty from Governors Island, 5th September 2010

Listening... The Script, The Pretty Reckless and tragically, Mcfly.

Reading... Harry Potter, again.

Watching... Britains/Americas Next Top Model, 4 Weddings, The Inbetweeners

Buying... too much.. I bought a cardigan, brogues, a lace dress, lots of tights, a stripey jumper, a couple of skirts, knee high socks, a check shirt all for my Fall wardrobe.. and they're all a size 8!

Wanting... to go traveling, to stop running up huge phone bills.. still wanting things to be simple.

Trying... Just be happy with what I've got. It's going well for the most part.

Loving.. Nights in with my flatmates, nights out with the girls from work, autumn fashion.

Planning... stuff with M when she comes visiting from Australia, going home for Christmas.

Making.... a Christmas list for my mum, tragic.

Writing... something that isn't ready for reading yet. But I'm working on it!

Cooking... Nigella's Peanut and Chocolate Cheesecake, right now in fact.

Inspired by... Not much actually, myself?

Part 11. - "Happy girls are the prettiest" Audrey Hepburn

This won't be a long one as I have a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that needs put away before I fall asleep (having blissful dreams of Brad Pitt, induced by the fact I'm watching Meet Joe Black for the very first time, I hope it's as good as i've been informed it is.) But for the first time in a long time, I can say I'm spending more time happy than I am upset or confused. Yes, I still have those days, those days I don't want to get out from under my quilt, when everything in life seems hopeless and pointless. I still sometimes don't understand things in life, sometimes I'm as lost and confused as I ever was. I'm probably always deep down going to be an Alice lost in Wonderland.

Here are somethings that make me happy in life, it really is the little things with me.

• Bubble Baths in the evenings.
  Candles, lush bubble bar, glossy magazine (Vogue, Instyle, Elle, Glamour, Harpers Bazaar, something high end of course) and a glass of wine. I was told recently that it seemed very glamourous, it's just how I relax and the bathroom smells so good afterwards.
  
• Lunch with the girls.
  It started off once a week, now it's ending up three or four times a week. Never anywhere classy or expensive but the company is wondeful as is the chats we have. I often do lunch with the two loveliest girls from work or out with my gorgeous housemates.
  
• Singing along with and dancing around to Musical Sountracks.
  Nothing makes me happier than putting on a musical soundtrack and having a good sing song while I do the housework. I love a bit of Wicked or Rent or Chicago, and i've recently discovered a love for Nine and The Last 5 Years (which I saw in Edinburgh on the Fringe)
• Cheap Disney DVDs
  My flatmate K told me that CEX sometimes does cheap discontinued Disney DVDs, last week I treated myself to The Lady and the Tramp for £10. My dad also bought me Dinosaur (not exactly one of my favourites) but it was a nice surprise. They're also two for £15 at Tescos just now.
  
• Afternoon Naps
  Makes me feel like a student again, but they're just so good.
• Half price food days and drink nights at my favourite bars.
  This goes along with lunch with the girls, 50% off at Slug and Lettuce on Monday, then two for one cocktails on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Half price food and drink at Dogma on a Sunday and Tuesday and 50% off at Vodka Revolution on a Tuesday.
• Britain's Next Top Model Final and new cycle of America's Next Top Model.
  As one of my guy friends so kindly put it last night, vanity TV.. but I can't help it. I love it and it's addictive. Much better than X Factor...
• Buying train tickets home.
  I've been really home sick lately, don't know why to be honest. But all I seem to do is work and then I still never have money to do anything which is frustrating. But I'm booked to go home for a few days next month, then today I was talking to my mum about Christmas... going home is the only reason I'm looking forward to it.
• When a guy tries to prove not all guys are jerks.
  I work with this guy who seems determined to prove to me not all men want to jerk me around. It's really quite sweet of him but he has a girlfriend and I don't want to put her back up.
• Days off.
  Who doesn't love a day off work?

There is probably so much more that's making me happy right now, but I'm tired and not actually that happy at this very present moment (very long and pretty bad day). Tomorrow is a day off so hopefully that alone will have me smiling. Goodnight.