Part 9. - When Men Don't Cut It Anymore.

On Sunday I went for an early dinner with the girls to a bar called Dogma. On a Sunday they do half priced food and drinks so it was perfect for three broke girls who had a lot to catch up on. We all ordered and discussed our favourite topic, men. In a way it's completely tragic that three early twenty something girls spend their Sunday evening pouring their hearts out about how hard it is where men are concerned. We talked a lot, then after a nice discussion of how I'd been watching Sugar Rush lately, J and I decided we should forget men and try a turn with women. We even tried to go to the only gay bar in town, which doesn't open on a Sunday (we found out after we walked all the way there, excited by the prospect of pulling girls) so instead we settled for cocktails in Varsity and we returned to our discussion of our plight in relationships.

After we returned home I got to thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. I'm not in the least bit homophobic and from a young age I've had no problem with kissing girls, and I do find some women attractive, even in a sexual sense. But I'm unsure now how far I'd be able to go with a girl. Is finding one attractive enough of a turn on? I'm not sure. I've never been that attracted to the naked female form, this is why I've never questioned whether I'm bisexual before. I have a feeling I could get as far as underwear then I'd be shaking my head and claiming not to be able to go any further, and as far as the sex goes.. I definitely think I'd much rather be having sex with a man, any day. But after the week i've had being there for my friends, it's definitely food for thought.. and of course watching Sugar Rush definitely has prompted this train of thought.

My flatmates and I discussed which women we find attractive, and like with men we all had different tastes. With Sugar Rush as a starting point, I find Saint attractive and J finds Kim attractive. Then in Gossip Girl I find Blair hot and J finds Serena (like she finds Nate delicious and I find Chuck's bad boy act a turn on). J also claimed if she was going to be with a girl she'd want her to be curvy where as the kind of girls i'm attractive to are the flat chested boyish ones.. which strangely mirrors the kind of guys I'm attracted to. Maybe it's all relative, and it's people i'm attracted, to not a particular sex. Maybe I'm so confused with relationships and sex at the minute (or the lack of) I have no idea what or who I'm attracted to! But if I could have my pick of women, I would definitely not say no to

(L-R Natalie Portman, Rachel Mcadams, Scarlett Johansson and Zooey Deschanel)

However one girl we all agreed on was the beautiful Katy Perry. I mean, who wouldn't?

I don't mind how people take this.. I don't really want anyone rushing to tell my parents I've come out, especially since I haven't. I honestly would still much rather meet a lovely boy, but girls do think about such things and that's what I've created this blog for, for the truth. And I have to admit, that J, K & I often have conversations with one another that men dream women have when they get together. And these are our sober conversations..

Part 4 - "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good"

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." — Elbert Hubbard

Going through a break up always makes you realize who your true friends are, especially when like me, the relationship you're breaking up from was with someone who was such a big part of your life. Once the relationship is over you have this huge hole to fill with something else, you have all this time you spent with that other person which is now free time. I struggle with free time. I'm not someone who enjoys their own company (unless i'm asleep or taking a bath, then I can be on my own for ages). I struggle sitting still just watching tv or reading a book (unless it's a really good book), it's why I always liked running lines, when you're running lines it's not insane to be talking out loud to yourself. So over the past few months, my close friends have become my life lines. On the days i'm particularly struggling to keep above water, they're there for me. No matter what they're doing. I'm incredibly lucky that I have lived with my three best friends for a period of time during this break up, I have no idea how I would of survived without them.

In my opinion, in most friendships there is always a moment when you think to yourself "we're going to be friends for a long time." Using Harry Potter as an example, Harry, Ron and Hermione always refer to knocking out a Mountain Troll in the girls bathroom as the starting point of their friendship.

Friendships are a collection of memorable things that connect people together. Over the six, or perhaps it's almost seven years I have been friends with B, we have a huge collection of in jokes, memories and moments that will probably cause us to be friends for life. We've had our spats, our fall outs but I think, or maybe I mean hope, we're both mature enough not to let the little annoyances in life to come between us. I think since moving back here we've become closer than we've ever been. There is something about misery and heart break that binds women together. Then again, she's also the person who knows me better than anyone else and I'm pretty predictable to her, even though my life is such a constant mess, she's the only one who can figure out what's going on and what's going to happen. I think of her more than just "my best friend" she's the big sister I always wanted when growing up, she's older, wiser and offers advice at every turn.


She's the Elphaba to my incredibly flakey Glinda. Wicked has always been one of our things so it seemed apt for the first Halloween we were spending together that we dressed as our musical counterparts. She might not be too pleased about me using this picture on a public blog, however apart from us both looking pretty wide eyed (which for once isn't drink related) I like it.

"So much of me, is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart"

With J & K, I have a definite moment that has always defined our friendship. Well it's not exactly a moment, more of a night of debauchery. We all studied Drama at the same University and I became friends with them both quickly as they were in the same groups of me. I had a few individual nights out with the, but in the second half of semester two we were in the same group for Creation and Realisation. One night we all agreed to have a night out together. We started on cocktails, one pitcher each. Then we proceeded to the scummiest night club on Earth. We drank a lot, danced on speakers and a lot of things happened that we only laugh about together now as they're so embaressing! That was almost four years ago now. Recently we all moved in together and I have to admit this is the happiest i've ever been living anywhere, ever. I've had such an awful time lately but these girls are always there for me. We're all broke so our partying every night days are on hold but we still have fun. I'm so lucky to finally be living with them, it's something we talked about over two years ago but never got to do it. It's better than I could of ever imagined.

I have other friends, some I don't see much because they don't even live in this town, or sometimes even in this country! These are the friends I experience the "pause effect" with every day. There are ones I don't speak to for weeks then we do and it's like there is nothing different, they still know how to make me smile and I still know whats going on in their lives (one of the few good points of Facebook, I suppose). But life without B, J & K would be a pretty lame life.