October Snapshot

Sushi at Home, 19th October 2010

Listening... Katy Perry, FURB by Frankee (don't ask), loads of female empowering/post break up anthems.

Reading... Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Brooklyn by Colm Toibin, The Princess Bride by William Goldman, Breakfast at Tiffanys by Truman Capote

Watching... Easy A, The Inbetweeners (still), Gossip Girl Season 4

Buying... a lot of books, Mac lipstick, handmade circle scarf by Cupcake Couture, a Topshop dress, new underwear, a new vintage hat, a red blazer.. and that's all I can remember but I know I bought more!

Wanting... to start saving for my Euro adventure, to move on, to sleep all the time.

Trying... to move on, to have fun.

Loving.. Gossip Girl Season 4, nights out with my hot flatmates, gin, lying in a hot bath and reading

Planning... the European adventure.

Making.... still making that damn christmas list..

Writing... today I started Nanowrimo today, so a novel.

Cooking... not much, I'm addicted to eating out.

Inspired by... Disney Princesses, Blair Waldorf, Olive Penderghast

Part 14. - The one in which I question the nature of love.

Credit ♥

I am done meeting men who have no interest in seeing the real me. The ones who give the once over with their eyes in the club and that is all they care about. What they see. That isn't who I am, and if you want to be with me, you should probably know...

I'm clumsy. So clumsy it's debatable as to how I've ended up as a waitress. I always seem to hurt myself, and break things, and trip up. If I told you I used to be a ballerina, I'm sure you'd think I was lying. My hair never lies right and my make up always runs, even if it isn't raining. I'm awkward and I always say the wrong thing. I have the oddest style, every day I look like i've lost a fight with my wardrobe. I'm a self confessed hopeless romantic. I pretend I'm jaded and bitter about love but it's a lie. I'm still waiting on my prince to come and rescue me even though my dad told me last week he's never going to come. My sister's shrink says my perception of real life and fantasy is unbalanced, she's never even met me. I laugh and smile, even when it's inappropriate because its how i've taught myself to stop crying. I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm afraid, lost, hurt and lonely.. I cry with laughter. I like Disney, and somedays I'll want you to just sit with me and watch The Lion King or Cinderella, it's a real bonus if you know all the words too. I talk in my sleep and i've been told I steal all the quilt. I like to cook for two and I'm not too dreadful, I promise I won't poison you.

I'm not looking for a guy who has a fast car or lots of money.. but if you do have a car I love to sit in the passengers seat with my feet on your dash singing obnoxiously along with a mix tape. I don't want you to be into football, or many sports at all.. I'd prefer you to like books and music. Then maybe we could have a real conversation. I'm a sucker for a musician or an artist.. At the very least know how to pronounce Merlot properly, please. The sexiest thing a man can wear is a pair of Converse Allstars, I can assure you I'm already yours. Fight with me, argue, show you have an opinion. I was brought up being taught that being able to fight your corner was not a bad thing. It shows you have passion for something, and I like passion. I'm passionate, in love and in life. You need to be too, as I know i'm capable of walking all over you. I need a guy who'll keep me in my place, I'm a bitch otherwise and I'd hate to end up wearing the trousers, because I don't even wear trousers! Fight for me. Please show me chiverly isn't dead. If we have a fight show up at my door, at midday or midnight, it doesn't matter. You don't even have to say you're sorry because as soon as I see you on my doorstep, I'll melt and say it first.

What is love anyway? I constantly meet men and they ask for my number or kiss me before they should. I don't feel anything for them, and if I do recipricate as they wish me to it's because I've drank too much vodka... and then the men I do like, the ones that give me butterflies and when they text me it makes me day so much better and their smile just makes me melt, they never like me back like that. So what happens? Do I just keep kissing all these men until I find one who is everything I'm looking got and I have to hope that he feels that way about me.. I don't know how many more times I can fall for someone and have my heartbroken before I've even said "I love you" I'm getting so close to giving up now. I feel like everyday i'm less and less like the girl I was before and I'm becoming more jaded when it comes to love. Is romance slowly dying? Or maybe it's just me..

Maybe that's it.. it's me.

Part 13. - Home.

"Maybe surrounded by a million people I still feel all alone,
I just wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know" - Home, Michael Buble"

I'm a small town girl and at eighteen, I left home. I have no plans to ever return home on a permanent basis but sometimes I just need to be there for a while. I don't fit in, I never had but it's like being cut off from the world. No one really knows who I am anymore so I can stay holed up for a while. I can hide under my quilt, I can sleep on the sofa and at certain times of the day I'm sent to the kitchen where there is food on the table waiting for me. It's home. There is my bed with my bedding on, there is my seat around the kitchen table, there are pictures of me on the wall, nothing ever changes and everything is familiar. None of my stuff is here, but I can be here and sometimes I need to be here. Being home this week has in fact come as a blessing, it's been planned for a while and i've had my tickets for week but it's come at the right time. I needed to escape this week, I needed to hole myself up, not wear make up, spend all day in my pjs and watch films guaranteed to make me cry.

I feel so drained. I've had such a trying time since arriving back in the country after my week in NYC. I'm tired of putting on a brave face and a big smile. I'm tired of pretending.. so for the next few days, I don't have to pretend i'm okay. I can sleep for what feels like one hundred years and I can cry, and it's okay. Right now I feel like crying a lot, and after I do cry, I feel better. My family are good at cheering me up too, they're crazy. It's what I love most about them. I love that my dad gets drunk and talks rubbish, I love that my mum does silly accents in the supermarket and I love that my sister and I have so many in jokes that there is always some horrific memory from our childhood we can drag up and laugh at.

Coming home when you live elsewhere is like a safety blanket. You pretend you don't need it but it's always there incase you do. I pretend all the time I don't need to go home, and nowadays I go away for longer and longer periods of time. When everything familiar in my real life starts to fall apart, I retreat and return home. When I broke up with BFG, I came home and that's when I decided what I was going to do. I make plans, I talk to people and then I'm ready to go back into the real world with my head held high. I can neatly fold away that security blanket and I'm able to stand up on my own. Everyone gets scared sometimes, I do. I'm terrified of so much, but I've learnt since May I'm perfectly able to brave. I'm so much braver than I ever used to be, even if a lot of that bravery is in the form of perfected pretend smiles.

I don't think I'll be ready to go back come Thursday. Everything is such a mess right now and I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. I need a plan, I like plans. I like to be spontanious but if I let myself be spontanious right now it would be goodbye savings, hello Heathrow airport.. I used to be convinced that if I disappeared, no one would notice, well BFG wouldn't notice. When I left, I was fine.. but that old insecurity is creeping back again. A lot of old insecurities are creeping back again and I'm struggling to convince myself otherwise.

Why is everything always so complicated?

Part 12. - Look to the star.. signs.

Credit ♥

I have to admit I'm not one of those girls that buys into superstitions, destiny and especially horoscopes, but sometimes you do read something that is so right on that it makes you think that maybe there is something to it.

I've accepted the fact that my whole life is a big cliche, but I'm still not exactly your ordinary girl... take the fact that I made a cheesecake today while breaking in my new heels. I was up on the kitchen counter grabbing things out the cupboard in these floral heels and dancing around with the broom as I cleared up the first lot of 200g biscuits I might of accident spilled on the floor.. I'm not sure I know many girls who spend their Sunday afternoons that way. I also screwed some numbers on our front door, but that's worthy of it's own post. I'd hate to think I was like every other girl and even though I'm a cliche, I still like to be different. I don't even care if that makes me odd or eccentric..

However, today I read a monthly forecast for my star sign, Pisces, and it was quite creepily correct. This prompted me to do a little bit of research into the typical characteristics of a Pisces girl and I was shocked how much my personality reflects just that! I've read through bits and pieces on different website, some made me laugh because it was so accurate. Of course I'm not over joyed that I'm completely unique. Here are some of my favourite bits that I identify with, I've even put some in bold.

Pisces, the extreme, sensitive and unusual. You desperately want to do the right thing, however this is not always easy for you as you must follow that small voice within you for good or bad. To constrict your uniqueness would make you extremely unhappy.

You like to drift into a dream world where you can forget the harsher realities of life. You have a great deal of charm, humor and sympathy which enables you to open doors that others are not capable of. You are very creative, however due to your escapist tendencies you often don't obtain your goals and objectives.

Female Pisces, you are difficult to understand due to your innate ability to use emotional blackmail in order to get what you want. If denied you can revert to over-indulgence which is really a double edged sword no matter how you look at it. You must help yourself by developing your creative talents. You tend to play mind games with those that get close to you.

You are sentimental, affectionate and sensation-seeking when it comes to the heart. Your moods alternate to extremes, therefore it is difficult to get the same impression twice. You are a chameleon, you invariably change your mannerisms, imitating whoever you are in contact with. When alone you are quite unique.

You are feminine, intuitive, responsive and sensual. You are drawn to the creative or occult subjects. You are empathetic to those who have problems, therefore you often get used. You are a great one for fantasizing and in fact acting out your desires.

Your biggest problem is that you tend to pick the wrong mate, resulting in the need to have extra marital affairs in order to receive the affection necessary for your survival. You are also prone to tears and extremely good at using emotional blackmail.

This unfortunately came from yahoo answers (anyone else find some of those answers the funniest thing ever?) but it sums up everything I'd read elsewhere. I read some of this and think "wow, I'm actually quite a pathetic person" but I know i'm not, my head and my heart are completely ruled by the bohemian values, and I know that makes me a good person. Well minus the emotional blackmail of course..

Are all the others as accurate as this? I went through some of the other star signs and I just didn't fit them half as well as I fit the Pisces profile!

September 2010 Snapshop

Statue of Liberty from Governors Island, 5th September 2010

Listening... The Script, The Pretty Reckless and tragically, Mcfly.

Reading... Harry Potter, again.

Watching... Britains/Americas Next Top Model, 4 Weddings, The Inbetweeners

Buying... too much.. I bought a cardigan, brogues, a lace dress, lots of tights, a stripey jumper, a couple of skirts, knee high socks, a check shirt all for my Fall wardrobe.. and they're all a size 8!

Wanting... to go traveling, to stop running up huge phone bills.. still wanting things to be simple.

Trying... Just be happy with what I've got. It's going well for the most part.

Loving.. Nights in with my flatmates, nights out with the girls from work, autumn fashion.

Planning... stuff with M when she comes visiting from Australia, going home for Christmas.

Making.... a Christmas list for my mum, tragic.

Writing... something that isn't ready for reading yet. But I'm working on it!

Cooking... Nigella's Peanut and Chocolate Cheesecake, right now in fact.

Inspired by... Not much actually, myself?

Part 11. - "Happy girls are the prettiest" Audrey Hepburn

This won't be a long one as I have a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that needs put away before I fall asleep (having blissful dreams of Brad Pitt, induced by the fact I'm watching Meet Joe Black for the very first time, I hope it's as good as i've been informed it is.) But for the first time in a long time, I can say I'm spending more time happy than I am upset or confused. Yes, I still have those days, those days I don't want to get out from under my quilt, when everything in life seems hopeless and pointless. I still sometimes don't understand things in life, sometimes I'm as lost and confused as I ever was. I'm probably always deep down going to be an Alice lost in Wonderland.

Here are somethings that make me happy in life, it really is the little things with me.

• Bubble Baths in the evenings.
  Candles, lush bubble bar, glossy magazine (Vogue, Instyle, Elle, Glamour, Harpers Bazaar, something high end of course) and a glass of wine. I was told recently that it seemed very glamourous, it's just how I relax and the bathroom smells so good afterwards.
  
• Lunch with the girls.
  It started off once a week, now it's ending up three or four times a week. Never anywhere classy or expensive but the company is wondeful as is the chats we have. I often do lunch with the two loveliest girls from work or out with my gorgeous housemates.
  
• Singing along with and dancing around to Musical Sountracks.
  Nothing makes me happier than putting on a musical soundtrack and having a good sing song while I do the housework. I love a bit of Wicked or Rent or Chicago, and i've recently discovered a love for Nine and The Last 5 Years (which I saw in Edinburgh on the Fringe)
• Cheap Disney DVDs
  My flatmate K told me that CEX sometimes does cheap discontinued Disney DVDs, last week I treated myself to The Lady and the Tramp for £10. My dad also bought me Dinosaur (not exactly one of my favourites) but it was a nice surprise. They're also two for £15 at Tescos just now.
  
• Afternoon Naps
  Makes me feel like a student again, but they're just so good.
• Half price food days and drink nights at my favourite bars.
  This goes along with lunch with the girls, 50% off at Slug and Lettuce on Monday, then two for one cocktails on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Half price food and drink at Dogma on a Sunday and Tuesday and 50% off at Vodka Revolution on a Tuesday.
• Britain's Next Top Model Final and new cycle of America's Next Top Model.
  As one of my guy friends so kindly put it last night, vanity TV.. but I can't help it. I love it and it's addictive. Much better than X Factor...
• Buying train tickets home.
  I've been really home sick lately, don't know why to be honest. But all I seem to do is work and then I still never have money to do anything which is frustrating. But I'm booked to go home for a few days next month, then today I was talking to my mum about Christmas... going home is the only reason I'm looking forward to it.
• When a guy tries to prove not all guys are jerks.
  I work with this guy who seems determined to prove to me not all men want to jerk me around. It's really quite sweet of him but he has a girlfriend and I don't want to put her back up.
• Days off.
  Who doesn't love a day off work?

There is probably so much more that's making me happy right now, but I'm tired and not actually that happy at this very present moment (very long and pretty bad day). Tomorrow is a day off so hopefully that alone will have me smiling. Goodnight.

Part 10. - The One in Which I Have a Break Through in Life.

“In three words I can sum up everything i’ve learned about life - it goes on.”
- Robert Frost

Why am I always inspired to write at such inappropriate times? It's 2:38am and I'm sat cross legged on my bed, in my underwear cause it's so hot eating a bowl of cereal, probably not something anyone wants to imagine, but hey this is real life. I suddenly don't feel tired, but this could be because my room is strangely hot but I feel like I could write. So here I am, writing.

You meet people in life that you can just about have any conversation with and some of these conversations you have make you think. Not just about the conversation themselves, but about life and you end up assessing how you feel about things. You find yourself looking at things from a new perspective. I feel like that tonight. For some strange reason, I feel refreshed about certain aspects of my life this evening which is surprising since the conversations I had were about death and going to hell (which is actually one of our favourite topics of conversation, morbid much?)

While I was combing out my hair and taking off my make up, I ended up thinking about how I'm one of these girls that always wishes life was something else or that people would act a certain way towards me. I seem to spend all my time wishing I was someone else or I was older or younger, instead of looking at it exactly as it is and being happy about it. Because if I do look at it, there is a lot to be happy about it. Yes it's not perfect, yes I'd like Michael Cera to come and sweep me off my feet, but if i'm realistic, that is never going to happen. I need to accept this and get on with what I do have.

Just because I'm broke and I work as a waitress doesn't mean this is all i'm ever going to be. I'm twenty two and I love the people I get to spend every day of my life with. Yes, sometimes when we spend hours on end in each others hair we do all get catty and bitchy but they're some of the nicest and most caring people I've ever worked with. They're the kinda people who care about you and your life. If your sad, they want to know why, if something good as happened they want to hear about it and even though we all mutually agree we'd rather be else where we'd all be much more unhappy without one another around. And as for money, well we all know the saying "money can't buy you happiness" but it can help and that's the truth. I know I could be much more comfortable with money, but some people have to be broke and for the time being, that's me. I need to embrace it and find ways to have fun without money. Money can't buy me love (yes it could buy me sex, but that's hardly the same now, is it?) and I'm not always going to be a waitress, I just haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet... but when I do, I know it's going to be something great.

Just because I don't look like the girls on Britain's Next Top Model doesn't mean I'm not semi attractive. I need to learn to accept the fact I'm not Rachel Mcadams or Natalie Portman and be okay with this. I do have to admit since my break up back in May, I have been so much happier being me. I mean, dropping two dress sizes and finally having a hair style I sort of like has helped a lot... But I have accepted that I'm not the worst looking girl out there. Every girl has self esteem issues, whether they admit it or not. But for everything we think negative about ourselves perhaps we should look at a positive. For example, I hate my arms, but I'm told more often than not that I have nice legs. I'm always going to have this gawky smile, bad skin and hair that never lies flat, but I'm petite and I have nice eyes that sort of balances it out. I also have a cool accent that people focus on instead of the way I look. I think I'm okay with being me now, I think I can stop pretending I'm someone else.

Just because the undefinable semi relationship I do have isn't classic Hollywood romance, doesn't mean I should be oh so dramatic and miserable about it. Instead I should enjoy the fact that I have someone who walks me home and kisses me goodnight on my door step. He's someone I can actually hold a conversation with, and he makes me laugh, and if it comes to nothing more, I should be happy I had at least that. I like spending time with him (and I hope he likes spending time with me), and I miss him when I don't see him for a few days, and whether he admits it or not, I know he misses me (sorry, but if you read this, yes you do). I'm sorry I'm impatient, I am happy that I met you.

Just because this isn't exactly the life I'd want to have, I have to stop wishing I could switch with someone else. If I'm not happy with something, I need to change it myself. No one else is going to do it for me and if I can't change it right off, I need to be happy with what I have. I'm not talking about settling, no one should have to settle, but fuck, I'm much luckier than some people. I need to stop wishing in my life and start living it, otherwise I'm going to end up old and wishing I was young to do it all again. I do have everything I want, but I'm going to mess it up or realise it too late. Who needs anymore than a man to kiss, friends to love, a means of making money (even if it is soul sucking as all jobs are), fun, laughter, food and a roof over their head... looking at my life I have all that. I need to stop. I'm stopping. I am. Because, put like I have right now, I am happy. I'm happy being me.


I can never get today back, and tomorrow will never be the same as yesterday. I'll never get to be this age again, I'll never have this moment and every time I wish I was being somebody else that's a minute of my life gone. I'm not perfect, so it's apt I have a very imperfect life but maybe my life would feel more perfect for me if I embraced it as it is? As Jonathon Larson so beautifully puts it in his musical Rent "forget regret or life is yours to miss". And as cliche as it is, I'm the one holding the pen here, I need to stop scribbling.

Part 9. - When Men Don't Cut It Anymore.

On Sunday I went for an early dinner with the girls to a bar called Dogma. On a Sunday they do half priced food and drinks so it was perfect for three broke girls who had a lot to catch up on. We all ordered and discussed our favourite topic, men. In a way it's completely tragic that three early twenty something girls spend their Sunday evening pouring their hearts out about how hard it is where men are concerned. We talked a lot, then after a nice discussion of how I'd been watching Sugar Rush lately, J and I decided we should forget men and try a turn with women. We even tried to go to the only gay bar in town, which doesn't open on a Sunday (we found out after we walked all the way there, excited by the prospect of pulling girls) so instead we settled for cocktails in Varsity and we returned to our discussion of our plight in relationships.

After we returned home I got to thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. I'm not in the least bit homophobic and from a young age I've had no problem with kissing girls, and I do find some women attractive, even in a sexual sense. But I'm unsure now how far I'd be able to go with a girl. Is finding one attractive enough of a turn on? I'm not sure. I've never been that attracted to the naked female form, this is why I've never questioned whether I'm bisexual before. I have a feeling I could get as far as underwear then I'd be shaking my head and claiming not to be able to go any further, and as far as the sex goes.. I definitely think I'd much rather be having sex with a man, any day. But after the week i've had being there for my friends, it's definitely food for thought.. and of course watching Sugar Rush definitely has prompted this train of thought.

My flatmates and I discussed which women we find attractive, and like with men we all had different tastes. With Sugar Rush as a starting point, I find Saint attractive and J finds Kim attractive. Then in Gossip Girl I find Blair hot and J finds Serena (like she finds Nate delicious and I find Chuck's bad boy act a turn on). J also claimed if she was going to be with a girl she'd want her to be curvy where as the kind of girls i'm attractive to are the flat chested boyish ones.. which strangely mirrors the kind of guys I'm attracted to. Maybe it's all relative, and it's people i'm attracted, to not a particular sex. Maybe I'm so confused with relationships and sex at the minute (or the lack of) I have no idea what or who I'm attracted to! But if I could have my pick of women, I would definitely not say no to

(L-R Natalie Portman, Rachel Mcadams, Scarlett Johansson and Zooey Deschanel)

However one girl we all agreed on was the beautiful Katy Perry. I mean, who wouldn't?

I don't mind how people take this.. I don't really want anyone rushing to tell my parents I've come out, especially since I haven't. I honestly would still much rather meet a lovely boy, but girls do think about such things and that's what I've created this blog for, for the truth. And I have to admit, that J, K & I often have conversations with one another that men dream women have when they get together. And these are our sober conversations..

Part 8. - All Change Again

My life is so incredibly messed at the moment, that once again everything is changing around me but I'm still standing in one place, part of me wishes I was the one moving. It would be much easier if that was the case. But life goes on, we pick up the pieces of the mess we've made and we build something new. That's the way of the world and maybe, eventually we'll build something we truly love.

Isn't it funny how you can be incredibly happy with life and incredibly pissed off at it at exactly the same time? That's how I feel right now. Some factors of my life just make it worth living, for example going out for dinner with my flatmates on Sunday, it was so amazing that it deserves a whole post of it's own which I may actually do this evening. Other parts of my life however are just so stressful, examples being men, not just in my life but how they treat my friends. It infuriates how men claim how difficult women are, how women play games when we don't. Men play games, they never say how they feel or what they want and just leave you to work it out yourself. My job also. But that isn't even something worth going into or something I'd want anyone who reads this to care about.

I've learned so much over the past few months about life, friendships and priorities. Like I've said, I'm happy most of the time. I actually for the first time in years feel like I have a life. I go out to lunch, I go out drinking, I go to the cinema and it's nice. I feel like a twenty two year old again. And yes it's not perfect and it's not exactly what I want as of yet but I'm happy while I decide what it is I want to do. Who I want to be.

To be continued..

July Snapshot 2010

I've decided to bring over Monthly Snapshot from Seventy Seven Broadway. I enjoyed doing it and it's great for when I'm too busy having a life to blog (I promise that it doesn't last long and doesn't happen often. So here is what was good in July.

Midget Mojitos at Charlotte House Hotel, 24/7/2010

Listening...Katy Perry's California Gurls

Reading... Living La Vida Loca

Watching... Glee mainly.

Buying... Not much, I've been so broke! OH I bought a new dress and some incredibly cute underwear.

Wanting... Things to start being easier. I spend every day so fucking confused.

Trying... To stay positive. Build a new life. Save some money for NYC.

Loving.. Living with J & K. Being able to see B all the time. When it gets to that stupidly late time at work and we all end up drinking.. oops.

Planning... NYC & London.

Making.... an attempt at starting my life over.. some days it's going well, some days it's not.

Writing... This new blog.

Cooking... nothing.. I made cupcakes for J's birthday though. They were truly awful.

Inspired by... Rachel Berry in Glee.

Part 7. - The Wonders of Catharsis

"Sometimes when we weep in the movies we weep for ourselves or for a life unlived. Or we even go to the movies because we want to resist the emotion that's there in front of us. I think there is always a catharsis that I look for and that makes the movie experience worthwhile." - Edward Zwick.

Catharsis, in the dramaturgical sense is the emotional cleansing of the audience and/or characters in a play. Of course, having been a drama student in the past, some days I feel the need for some catharsis in my every day life, be it that I'm angry or sad or even incredibly happy. I find the best way to do this is through reading or watching a particular movie. Trying to build a new life is an emotional trial, and in the future I will look back and not envy anyone trying to do it. This week alone I've managed to go through a roller coaster of emotions, some of my own and some on behalf of friends, ranging from being very happy, to falling, to being so angry, to being so afraid. These emotions are the ones the Ancient Greeks felt the need to purge through going to the theatre. However it being late on a Friday night, I had to settle for a movie. A favorite cathartic movie of mine, is Moulin Rouge, directed by Baz Luhrmann and starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor, which was my choice for the evening.

Although I occassionally watch Moulin Rouge because sometimes you do just need to sit and cry, not because you're miserable but because you have things you feel like you want to cry about and once you have you feel better for it, but because it's such a beautiful film. I feel like I'm a true bohemian, the values of freedom, beauty, music and love are important in my life. I love the passion, the songs, the colours, the costumes, but above all, I love the story. It's a love story of epic proportions, you cannot help but be swept away in the whirlwind romance of Satine and Christian. It makes you believe in love. You believe they love one another, but of course that's probably because they're good at acting. I always sit and watch while hugging my pillow, wishing for such romance, passion and undenyable romance in my life. However, Moulin Rouge, isn't a wishy washy love story, I personally feel it personifies the distructiveness of love. This is most apparant in The Tango Roxanne. I usually end up with goosebumps because the song is just how I understand jealousy to be. It's dark, it's damaging but in the same time, you cannot have jealousy without the love, without the passion because otherwise you would have nothing to be jealous of. People do crazy things when they're in love, either because of the love or because of the envy, the two are ultimately connected.

After the movie was finished and I was suffering from a post movie break down headache, I did feel better. I was in a strangely better place, I'd cried, gotten over some issues and was ready to carry on. It's surprising, the wonders a few tears can do. I mean, I cry a lot and I'm one of the few that can cry on cue. But after a genuine heart felt cry, where you just cry for everything in your life you feel sad about, it's very freeing and relieving. Just the same as when you giggle inappropriately for what seems to no reason to anyone else but you. But you know it's because in that moment, no matter how long it lasts or doesn't, you don't care about anything else, and you're genuinely happy.

For reference, I find the following, excellent catharsis material for anyone who needs a good cry.

• A Walk to Remember
  The movie, with Mandy Moore. I first watched it at a friends birthday, I was warned it was sad but I seriously had no idea HOW sad.
  
• The Time Travelers Wife
  The movie is sad, but the book is so much worse. I think I cried for the last 100 pages or so.
  
• Little Women
  Both the movie and the book. I remember watching some Top 100 Family Movies and they showed the bit where Beth is saying goodbye to Jo and withing a minute I was in floods of tears!
• Rent
  I Will Cover You Reprise. Enough said.
  

There are so many more, but for me, these three are true tearjerkers, without a doubt provoke a purge of emotions.

Part 6. - "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"

Alice: A man came into the cafe today and said, "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"
Dan: Funny Guy
Alice: I said, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck me sideways with a beautiful line like that"
- Closer, Patrick Marber

As much as we don't want to admit it, our jobs and careers are a huge part of our lives. At the moment I feel like all I do is work and sleep, occasionally passing up on sleep to fit in a little bit of socializing. It's tragic to say the least. I wish more people had insisted that I really appreciate the time I spent at school, college and uni because it would be the last time i'd be able to HAVE time to do what I want. No one really stressed to me how awful it was to work 40 + hours a week. When ever I want to do something, I have to factor in when i'm working, not just what day and time but what my shifts are before and after. For example, I can't very well have a night out if I'm starting work at 7am. When I have long shifts in concession everything else has to stop. I don't have time for washing up, or making my bed, or even eating half the time. I get up, I take a bath, I work, I sleep. The house becomes a mess and I look a mess, but you do reach a certain point of exhaustion where you stop caring and then the fact your life is a mess is no longer an issue. The worst part though, my job isn't even important. It's not like i'm a doctor or a lawyer or something equally as important...

Whenever anyone asks what I do for a living, I reply with "I'm a cliche, I'm a failed actress working as a waitress." I'm not a very good waitress at that. I'm clumsy and a total flake. I can't cash up, I break glasses, I trip over customers bags.. but I still make tips. That could be because I'm a good actress and I make a good first impression. I smile, I laugh and I make conversation. A past employer once told me I would make a much better waitress if I wasn't so good at performing. The floor is my stage and while I'm serving, I always have someones attention. But i'm not always going to be a waitress.

I've had customers ask me what i'm going to be when I grow up. Of course I reply cheekily that I'm never going to grow up. Realistically, the very idea of being thirty and still a waitress upsets and frightens me. But i'm one of these girls who would like to be a million things. When I was a child I went through the usual careers, pink power ranger, nursary nurse, vet, teacher before deciding I wanted to be on tv at about the age of eight. It must of been a little disappointing for my parents since my sister wanted to be a dancer and I wanted to be an actress, no big money makers there. Sadly for both of us, we come from a small town where the arts aren't heavily supported and we come from a family that doesn't have enough money to ship us off to London. It's not their fault, it's not our fault, but I suppose it wasn't supposed to be. So of course now I have to decide what I really want to do with my life. Part of me would still love to act, especially in Shakespeare. I make a damn good damsel in distress. I'd make an excellent Desdemona in Othello, or Ophelia in Hamlet or especially Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But que será será, at twenty two, I've learnt life isn't always what you want. Even the man who has everything always wants something else.

I'd love to be a traveller, to dance around the globe picking up jobs where ever. A true bohemian exsistance. But in reality who really gets to do that? It's so hard when Visas and work permits come into play. I'd love to be a writer. I have so many thoughts and opinions but I have no structure. I'd love to be a musician or a dancer, but I have no talent. I went through a horrible phase where I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife, to get married, to have children.. but after three years of that without the marriage or children, it got old. Ideally I'd love to be a librarian or work in a museum or an art gallery. Infact, I know nowadays that's what I'd like to do. I like the quietness, I like history and I especially love books. I could think nothing better than spending days sorting and organising. Once I sort the rest of my life out, I know thats what i'm going to focus on doing.

Just now, as I've mentioned, I work as a waitress. I work in a five star hotel, and even though I often hear myself exclaiming how much I despise my job, in many ways that's probably an exaggeration. I despise aspects of my job, yes. But sometimes I laugh so hard, I dance around, I feel okay and I realize I could be working a much worse job. I'm lucky I work with people who make me laugh and keep me going through long gruelling shifts.

Unfortunately, I work a lot of shifts during weddings which is hard to say the least. Not even a year ago I remember discussing my own wedding, I remember being told I was the only girl he wanted to marry, I remember looking at engagement rings.. and now I'm a waitress at someone elses wedding, i'm single, and i'm trying so hard to build a life for myself. I still struggle being an I instead of a we. I'm jaded now, part of me is unsure if I ever want to get married these days. Coming so close then being left with nothing and watching someone elses marriage fall apart is enough to put you off for life. My heart does sink a little watching the first dance, seeing the bride smile and knowing there is a huge possibility I'll never feel like that, I'll never get to experience it. But I put on a smile, I dance behind the bar and pretend. Some days it's just easier to pretend. Lately though, it's getting easier. Weddings sting less. I find myself hyper (or occassionally half cut) by 2am and I end up going home and feeling like I've had a good day, despite being half starved, exhausted with very painful feet.

B suggested I write a novel based on this part of my life, it's such a shame my writing has no structure. This blog is case and point.

Part 5. - The Good Day Vs Bad Day Debate

My life is currently in a state of transition, and when you're living in a transition, you always have good days and bad days. I often find myself wondering, as I met so many others do, about what makes a truly bad day and what can make an amazing day. This week it was highlighted more than usual for me. The day I was supposed to enjoy, the one that was supposed to be my good day, was Wednesday, my one day off from work this week. It started off pleasant enough. I went into town, chilled out, bought some new books, had a Starbucks Seattle Latte but then I came home and my mood just dipped. I had a melt down over finances (as the newly single girl so often does), I had a tizz over the fact my flatmates had their guys over and I was sat in my room having said melt down about said finances. I ended up walking across town at 10pm on my own to see a friendly face and help put a desk together. I came back about midnight argued with another friend then went to sleep, simply because that day just had to end.

Yesterday on the other hand, should of been a very bad day. It was chucking it down with rain, I had to walk to work in the rain and then I had to set up for an event at work, by lugging chairs around in the rain. I ended up soaked to the skin with hair that resembled a white girls 'fro. But still I was smiling. Maybe it was the company I was keeping? Who knows. I then came home, had an amazing bath with one of the best Lush bubble bar's I've ever used Marzibain. It smelt like Amaretto and was simply amazing. Then I cooked chicken chili (as Tesco's had no lean mince) and settled down to watch Up. Today again should of been a bad day, I was running late for work and had to pretty much run up the hill. I was suffering from neglect since my parents and sister buggered off for two weeks in the sunshine without me. However here I am, at twenty past two in the morning, still smiling from the day before and the fact I have a long shift at work tomorrow, beginning in less than twelve hours, still isn't enough to ruin my good mood. Tonight I know it was because of good company, spending the evening with B has become a weekly bitch, laugh and cry session and is clearly the therapy I need to get through these trying times.

Some mornings I wake up and struggle to get out of bed. I lie there and it's like my very exsitance is being held down to the bed and as I try and sit up it pulls me back. Those are the days I think are going to be dreadful. It feels as if all the colour has drained from my life and i'm not simply a black and white two dimensional being, much like an old photograph. Those are the days I know I'm alone. But, I find it funny how even though the day could start off bad, it could improve with the littlest of things. For example, if one of my housemates have left me a note on the white board on our fridge telling me how hot I am. Or a text from B saying she's in town and wonders if I'd like to go for coffee. Or even a card from back home telling me I'm missed. No day is truely ever doomed to be bad just because it starts off grey and gloomy. Just like the sky, it can start clouded over but sometimes is blue sky by four in the afternoon. Weather is fickle like that, as is life.

Part 4 - "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good"

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." — Elbert Hubbard

Going through a break up always makes you realize who your true friends are, especially when like me, the relationship you're breaking up from was with someone who was such a big part of your life. Once the relationship is over you have this huge hole to fill with something else, you have all this time you spent with that other person which is now free time. I struggle with free time. I'm not someone who enjoys their own company (unless i'm asleep or taking a bath, then I can be on my own for ages). I struggle sitting still just watching tv or reading a book (unless it's a really good book), it's why I always liked running lines, when you're running lines it's not insane to be talking out loud to yourself. So over the past few months, my close friends have become my life lines. On the days i'm particularly struggling to keep above water, they're there for me. No matter what they're doing. I'm incredibly lucky that I have lived with my three best friends for a period of time during this break up, I have no idea how I would of survived without them.

In my opinion, in most friendships there is always a moment when you think to yourself "we're going to be friends for a long time." Using Harry Potter as an example, Harry, Ron and Hermione always refer to knocking out a Mountain Troll in the girls bathroom as the starting point of their friendship.

Friendships are a collection of memorable things that connect people together. Over the six, or perhaps it's almost seven years I have been friends with B, we have a huge collection of in jokes, memories and moments that will probably cause us to be friends for life. We've had our spats, our fall outs but I think, or maybe I mean hope, we're both mature enough not to let the little annoyances in life to come between us. I think since moving back here we've become closer than we've ever been. There is something about misery and heart break that binds women together. Then again, she's also the person who knows me better than anyone else and I'm pretty predictable to her, even though my life is such a constant mess, she's the only one who can figure out what's going on and what's going to happen. I think of her more than just "my best friend" she's the big sister I always wanted when growing up, she's older, wiser and offers advice at every turn.


She's the Elphaba to my incredibly flakey Glinda. Wicked has always been one of our things so it seemed apt for the first Halloween we were spending together that we dressed as our musical counterparts. She might not be too pleased about me using this picture on a public blog, however apart from us both looking pretty wide eyed (which for once isn't drink related) I like it.

"So much of me, is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart"

With J & K, I have a definite moment that has always defined our friendship. Well it's not exactly a moment, more of a night of debauchery. We all studied Drama at the same University and I became friends with them both quickly as they were in the same groups of me. I had a few individual nights out with the, but in the second half of semester two we were in the same group for Creation and Realisation. One night we all agreed to have a night out together. We started on cocktails, one pitcher each. Then we proceeded to the scummiest night club on Earth. We drank a lot, danced on speakers and a lot of things happened that we only laugh about together now as they're so embaressing! That was almost four years ago now. Recently we all moved in together and I have to admit this is the happiest i've ever been living anywhere, ever. I've had such an awful time lately but these girls are always there for me. We're all broke so our partying every night days are on hold but we still have fun. I'm so lucky to finally be living with them, it's something we talked about over two years ago but never got to do it. It's better than I could of ever imagined.

I have other friends, some I don't see much because they don't even live in this town, or sometimes even in this country! These are the friends I experience the "pause effect" with every day. There are ones I don't speak to for weeks then we do and it's like there is nothing different, they still know how to make me smile and I still know whats going on in their lives (one of the few good points of Facebook, I suppose). But life without B, J & K would be a pretty lame life.

Part 3. - Once Upon a Time, My First Love Story.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?" - Clare Abshire, The Time Travelers Wife

As you may have noticed from my last post, this time around i've chosen to change names to protect peoples identities. I don't really want to use this blog to bad mouth anyone, but to tell this story some people need and honorary mention. Whether it's because they did something that made me sad or something that made me happy. I try not regret anything in my life, as Jonathon Larson so aptly puts it in his Broadway hit, Rent "forget regret, or life is yours to miss." After I made the decision to finally call it a day in my relationship with Mr BFG, this was something I clung to for dear life. I was unhappy, I was wasting my precious life and what if in 10, 15, 20 years time, I realised I'd wasted my life on someone who didn't want to spend theirs with me? Life is too short to be unhappy, to not do what you want to do.

Once again, I'm on a tangent of what this entry was supposed to be about. To really understand things, to understand the relationships behind the nicknames, I have to go back to the beginning, to the one I so fondly call my first love, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

I could begin this story with the old "Once Upon a Time" because it works. I'm lucky enough to be able to think of my first love as a fairytale. Some days I even wake up and that's what it feels like it was. Sometimes I wish for a split second it was. It doesn't really have a happy ending, but it's an ending I can be content with.

I was fifteen years old. As I've mentioned before at fifteen I was a no one special sort of girl. I didn't wear make up, I had braces and blonde hair. I was short for my age and skinny, I looked like a little girl, but then again I'm twenty two and I still get asked for ID.. somethings never change. I was a goody two shoes in school, I had a few close friends but I was bullied a lot by the popular kids. I'd never been kissed yet my little sister was dating the popular boys in my year. It stung, and caused me to have little self esteem. Then I met a boy. He was older than me and in college. He was the nicest guy, everyone said so. We connected and talked all the time. I used to eat lunch at home just so I could speak to him. I used to skip classes. I was crazy about him. He promised me the world.

After a few months I found out his parents intended for him to not return for a second year at college and instead join the army. This devistated myself and him. We were both afraid. This was back in the beginning of the Iraq war, before Saddam Hussain was found. I was young, naive, afraid. I remember the day he had to leave college and return home, I knew it was now going to be mere days before he would be attending Boot Camp for training. As I've mentioned before that day I cried all day in my room, I even remember the t-shirt I was wearing that day. He wrote me a few letters, telling me to move on with my life, that he was sorry that I had to go through this. But then they stopped one day, I never heard from him again. I was in pieces but he was right, my friends were right, I was young, I was only sixteen.

I went away to college myself. I started to live my life. I met other guys. I kept his letters and his emails for years but eventually I took the plunge and got rid of them all. I stopped hoping one day I'd open my door and he'd be standing there because life doesn't happen like that. He'll probably be married now, have a family. He wanted all those things. But I was so young. This is why he's Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place. If I'd been older I know I could of stopped him going. If I'd met him now we could of been together, I'm an adult now and I can make those decisions. But at fifteen/sixteen.. you just can't. You're just a child. He'd be twenty five now. I hope he's happy, it's all I'd ever hope for the guy who stopped me giving up on love.. hope stopped me starving myself in a vain attempt to get guys to notice me, to try and make myself be more attactive.

B still often asks when we're discussing "happily ever after" (as we often do when we're together and especially after a few glasses of wine) what i'd do if one day we did cross paths again. My first instinct is "I'd marry him", but then I have to think again.

What i'm most thankful for with Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place, is the fact that in my head I have this perfect untainted memory of us. Yes in the end, I lost him. I was left broken but it wasn't through lack of trying or through anything either of us did, it was just bad circumstances. For a few months of my life I got to be in a real fairytale. I got the romance, I was swept off my feet. We never got to truely be together, it was never ruined, nothing can damage that. I'm thankful that my first love was truely perfect in so many ways. Not many people get to say that they had that.

Part 2. - Would You Believe Me If I Told You That My Life Has A Soundtrack?

"If music be the food of love, play on." - Twelfth Night, Act 1 Scene 1

Sometimes the only thing you need in the world is to spend time with your best friend. Lets call my best friend B, we're much closer than friends, my mum jokes that she is more like a big sister and the irony is, that growing up I always wanted a big sister. It's nice, both of us being in the same county now and her only being a £2.90 bus ride away. I've learnt in life, good friends are hard to come by, but the best ones are the ones that stick around. Recently, I read a blog post by a friend about the "Pause Effect". The "pause effect" is best explained like this; while I was living up north I had three incredibly close friends back where I'm living now, these were B, and my two flatmates J & K. We sometimes didn't speak for long periods of time and saw each other even less, but as soon as I was with them, it was like nothing had ever changed. We still acted the same, chatted about the same things, did the same things and there would never be any awkwardness or difficult moments. It was like for the time we spent apart, our friendship was paused, then once we're back in each others company we continue because we all understand sometimes life gets in the way.

Anyway, this isn't what the post was originally about. I might elaborate on the "pause effect" some other time. Tonight, I'm writing about music.

One of the things I find B and I always talk about is music, or more specifically the lyrics in music that reminds us of people, times and places. We both often use lyrics to describe how we're feeling when we can't find the words ourselves. After years of friendship, we know what songs prevoke sad memories, what songs make each other happy as they remind us of good times. We have some similar tastes in music, not all but we share a love of many many songs.

I'm one of these people that listens to music every day. I wouldn't say that music was my life, infact I hate when people say that because clearly music is not your life, if you didn't have music you wouldn't shrivel up and die like you would without water or air or love. But still, music is an important part of my life. I always pick songs that reflect how i'm feeling. I never pick songs to try and cheer me up, if I'm happy I'll listen to happy music, if I'm sad I'll listen to sad music. I like songs that lyrics explain things I have personally experienced. I rarely hear the tune of a song instead I always pick out the lyrics. I rarely like a song that is catchy unless it's the chorus that is catchy. I also remember lyrics like I remember quotes from books or films. Sometimes I even find them becoming mantras, like "I'm marvellous, I'm marvellous" from the Glee version of Poker Face. If i'm having an exceptionally tough day I'll sing that along in my head until I start to feel more positive about myself. It surprisingly works. Some of the songs that lyrics have special relevence to certain parts of my life are as follows

Hey There Deliah, by The Plain White Ts. This was "our song" for my relationship with my ex, lets call him Mr BFG. When it was released the lyrics were perfect for our long distance relationship, "A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got got trains and planes and cars, I'd walk to you if I have no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know none of them have felt this way". It was so perfect it at the time, but now it breaks my heart to hear. I hate remembering how happy we once were.

Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls. Another song that reminds me of a relationship, my first relationship infact, lets call him Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place. I remember the day he left college and I wouldn't be able to contact him, I remember all the things he confided in me about going to war. I remember my heart breaking for the first time. The first verse and chorus were so apt for the time "And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you'd feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now." the beginning of the song could reduce me to tears in seconds. I remember what I was wearing, I remember lying on my bed crying and my mother cutting the lawn in the front garden..

U & Ur Hand by Pink. This song was released in my first year at university. I'd had an unfortunate run in with an egotistic douche, I'd also recently broken up from my summer fling. This song used to always be on in clubs, it was so liberating, especially when drunk.. "I was fine before you walked into my life. 'Cause you know it's over, before it began. Keep your drink just give me the money. It's just you and your hand tonight!" It's especially important because it was on both the night I met Mr Impossible and the night I met Mr Maybe. Both nights when I was accepting being a young, free and single girl. God that never lasts.

Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Lives. At 16 I was an adorable sweet, innocent and naive girl, I was also quite an emotional wreck (that hasn't changed too much). "Your clothes never wear as well the next day. And your hair never falls in quite the same way. But you never seem to run out of things to say" this song sums me up perfectly. I haven't listened to it in so long but over the past few weeks i've found myself singing it in my head. Once again the lyrics feel very apt to my life.

Misunderstood by Better than Ezra. This is more a personal song. I don't have memories of a time and place that this song reflects, instead the lyrics just make me think of me, of who I want to be. I'm that girl waiting tables that hopes one day her moment will come and she'll get her dream job. "She takes a walk at 4AM. Wakes the neighborhood again. And I find myself recalling everything she used to tell me" I'm also the girl that seems to have some kind of after affect on guys, I hope it's because i'm memorable.

There are so many other songs like it, songs I listen to on repeat just to hear the lyrics because they remind me of something in particular. But it's not just the lyrics of songs that bring memories, sometimes the song itself provokes special memories for me. Perhaps I listened to it with someone special, perhaps someone recommended it to me.. Maybe I was in a certain time an place when I first heard it. Whenever I hear the song again I always go "oh I remember when this happened" I can't help it. My memory seems to be music enabled.

For example, i'm not a huge Mcfly fan, but Stargirl reminds me of dancing in the Engine Shed, a close guy friend dipping me in the middle of the dance floor. The same goes for Beating Hearts Baby by Head Automatica, it was my song as an under age teen in a very scummy club. I remember that club, and I remember all those songs. I remember those girls even though they turned out to be the worst kind of people. I remember The Used's Taste of Ink and making out under a table with a boy in a beanie hat in that same club. I remember going to a house party dressed as Tinkerbell and a guy who was friends with Mr Maybe dancing like crazy to New Found Glory's Hold Your Hand. I remember Mr Impossible serenading me Look After You by The Fray, followed by Semi Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind. I remember my face aching from smiling. I remember the same ex singing Everything by Michael Buble while he made me breakfast. I remember BFG being ridiculously drunk on his 20th Birthday singing The Space Between by Valencia. I remember agreeing to have Journey's Don't Stop Believing played at our wedding after playing it on Guitar Hero. I remember going to the cash and carry with B and her phones ring tone being Last Request by Paolo Nutini, I remember how we both loved it.

The list could go on like that. Most songs on my Itunes have some kind of memory attached to them, but I like it. As I said in the beginning, music is important to me. It has to be, as I have some kind of soundtrack on all the time in my head that goes along with the movie I call my life. But hey, don't we all?

Part 1. - This is a Story of a Girl.

"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love." - Clare Abshire, The Time Travelers Wife

Sometimes endings are for the best, for example, sometimes you watch a sequel and realize that the end of the first movie should have been it. Or the end of the day when you crawl into bed with your loved one, or put your children to bed and have a well earned rest. Or the end of an especially hard shift at work, when you walk outside and inhale that fresh air smell of freedom. How about the end of a school year, especially when you know you have an excellent summer ahead of you? Everything in life has a beginning, a middle and an end, everything you do, everything you experience. Even life itself. Sometimes endings are hard, but after every ending, you have to remember something new is about to begin.

Seventy Seven Broadway, had to end as that part of my life had ended. I’m beginning a new kind of life, and with this new kind of life, comes a new kind of blog. A blog about an ordinary every day girl.

I love reading chick lit books, I love feeling like I could be the heroine of the book.. but in 9 cases out of 10, there is still something extra ordinary about the girl that I sometimes think I could be. Something extra ordinary that makes her worth having a story about her.. like she has a job where she can jet off to exotic places. Or she has money. Or connections. But what about the ordinary every day girl who’s trying to make her mark on the world? Someone with no special job, with little money and no connections. Someone like me? Does that mean my life isn’t worthy of a story? Sometimes I wish there were stories about real girls like me. Just so I know I’m not alone in the world, that there are other girls like me out there, the ordinary original ones. The ones who screw up often, make a fool of themselves. The ones who are afraid of being afraid.

My ex often told me how boring I am, but I know I’m not, and I know my life isn’t boring. I’d never let my life get boring because of the fact I’m so easily bored. I’m not someone who is content sitting around doing nothing, I always have to be doing something! But to him, I was boring. And hell, did that hurt... sometimes I’d start to think maybe I was. When you’re told something over and over again you start to believe it. I was told a lot of things at school, if my high school was the one from Glee, I’d be the one getting a slushy in her face. But I know it was because I was different from the socially accepted norm. I preferred the arts to sports and I didn’t drink or smoke or sleep with all the boys in my year. I used to be that good girl so back then, yes, maybe I was a little boring. I liked Shakespeare, and languages and playing the flute. But I know as soon as I left Berwick High School, I changed, and I know from then on, I was definitely anything but boring.

I’m off on a tangent. I apologize.

I’m now a twenty two year old girl, getting lost in the real world, fresh out and surviving the worst kind of heart break. I’m aspiring to be everything I’m not. I’m planning on seeing the world, one postcard place at a time. Loving, living and losing every day. I’m going to be the heroine of my own story, just an ordinary girl, doing every day things. I hope that perhaps this blog will be an inspiration for anyone else who has to one day pack up and leave their old life, move across the country and try and start something new. I hope one day I can read back and be proud of what i’ve accomplished, and most of all, I hope I can give all my followers a good laugh along the way.

So welcome to my world.