Part 7. - The Wonders of Catharsis

"Sometimes when we weep in the movies we weep for ourselves or for a life unlived. Or we even go to the movies because we want to resist the emotion that's there in front of us. I think there is always a catharsis that I look for and that makes the movie experience worthwhile." - Edward Zwick.

Catharsis, in the dramaturgical sense is the emotional cleansing of the audience and/or characters in a play. Of course, having been a drama student in the past, some days I feel the need for some catharsis in my every day life, be it that I'm angry or sad or even incredibly happy. I find the best way to do this is through reading or watching a particular movie. Trying to build a new life is an emotional trial, and in the future I will look back and not envy anyone trying to do it. This week alone I've managed to go through a roller coaster of emotions, some of my own and some on behalf of friends, ranging from being very happy, to falling, to being so angry, to being so afraid. These emotions are the ones the Ancient Greeks felt the need to purge through going to the theatre. However it being late on a Friday night, I had to settle for a movie. A favorite cathartic movie of mine, is Moulin Rouge, directed by Baz Luhrmann and starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor, which was my choice for the evening.

Although I occassionally watch Moulin Rouge because sometimes you do just need to sit and cry, not because you're miserable but because you have things you feel like you want to cry about and once you have you feel better for it, but because it's such a beautiful film. I feel like I'm a true bohemian, the values of freedom, beauty, music and love are important in my life. I love the passion, the songs, the colours, the costumes, but above all, I love the story. It's a love story of epic proportions, you cannot help but be swept away in the whirlwind romance of Satine and Christian. It makes you believe in love. You believe they love one another, but of course that's probably because they're good at acting. I always sit and watch while hugging my pillow, wishing for such romance, passion and undenyable romance in my life. However, Moulin Rouge, isn't a wishy washy love story, I personally feel it personifies the distructiveness of love. This is most apparant in The Tango Roxanne. I usually end up with goosebumps because the song is just how I understand jealousy to be. It's dark, it's damaging but in the same time, you cannot have jealousy without the love, without the passion because otherwise you would have nothing to be jealous of. People do crazy things when they're in love, either because of the love or because of the envy, the two are ultimately connected.

After the movie was finished and I was suffering from a post movie break down headache, I did feel better. I was in a strangely better place, I'd cried, gotten over some issues and was ready to carry on. It's surprising, the wonders a few tears can do. I mean, I cry a lot and I'm one of the few that can cry on cue. But after a genuine heart felt cry, where you just cry for everything in your life you feel sad about, it's very freeing and relieving. Just the same as when you giggle inappropriately for what seems to no reason to anyone else but you. But you know it's because in that moment, no matter how long it lasts or doesn't, you don't care about anything else, and you're genuinely happy.

For reference, I find the following, excellent catharsis material for anyone who needs a good cry.

• A Walk to Remember
  The movie, with Mandy Moore. I first watched it at a friends birthday, I was warned it was sad but I seriously had no idea HOW sad.
  
• The Time Travelers Wife
  The movie is sad, but the book is so much worse. I think I cried for the last 100 pages or so.
  
• Little Women
  Both the movie and the book. I remember watching some Top 100 Family Movies and they showed the bit where Beth is saying goodbye to Jo and withing a minute I was in floods of tears!
• Rent
  I Will Cover You Reprise. Enough said.
  

There are so many more, but for me, these three are true tearjerkers, without a doubt provoke a purge of emotions.

Part 6. - "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"

Alice: A man came into the cafe today and said, "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"
Dan: Funny Guy
Alice: I said, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck me sideways with a beautiful line like that"
- Closer, Patrick Marber

As much as we don't want to admit it, our jobs and careers are a huge part of our lives. At the moment I feel like all I do is work and sleep, occasionally passing up on sleep to fit in a little bit of socializing. It's tragic to say the least. I wish more people had insisted that I really appreciate the time I spent at school, college and uni because it would be the last time i'd be able to HAVE time to do what I want. No one really stressed to me how awful it was to work 40 + hours a week. When ever I want to do something, I have to factor in when i'm working, not just what day and time but what my shifts are before and after. For example, I can't very well have a night out if I'm starting work at 7am. When I have long shifts in concession everything else has to stop. I don't have time for washing up, or making my bed, or even eating half the time. I get up, I take a bath, I work, I sleep. The house becomes a mess and I look a mess, but you do reach a certain point of exhaustion where you stop caring and then the fact your life is a mess is no longer an issue. The worst part though, my job isn't even important. It's not like i'm a doctor or a lawyer or something equally as important...

Whenever anyone asks what I do for a living, I reply with "I'm a cliche, I'm a failed actress working as a waitress." I'm not a very good waitress at that. I'm clumsy and a total flake. I can't cash up, I break glasses, I trip over customers bags.. but I still make tips. That could be because I'm a good actress and I make a good first impression. I smile, I laugh and I make conversation. A past employer once told me I would make a much better waitress if I wasn't so good at performing. The floor is my stage and while I'm serving, I always have someones attention. But i'm not always going to be a waitress.

I've had customers ask me what i'm going to be when I grow up. Of course I reply cheekily that I'm never going to grow up. Realistically, the very idea of being thirty and still a waitress upsets and frightens me. But i'm one of these girls who would like to be a million things. When I was a child I went through the usual careers, pink power ranger, nursary nurse, vet, teacher before deciding I wanted to be on tv at about the age of eight. It must of been a little disappointing for my parents since my sister wanted to be a dancer and I wanted to be an actress, no big money makers there. Sadly for both of us, we come from a small town where the arts aren't heavily supported and we come from a family that doesn't have enough money to ship us off to London. It's not their fault, it's not our fault, but I suppose it wasn't supposed to be. So of course now I have to decide what I really want to do with my life. Part of me would still love to act, especially in Shakespeare. I make a damn good damsel in distress. I'd make an excellent Desdemona in Othello, or Ophelia in Hamlet or especially Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But que será será, at twenty two, I've learnt life isn't always what you want. Even the man who has everything always wants something else.

I'd love to be a traveller, to dance around the globe picking up jobs where ever. A true bohemian exsistance. But in reality who really gets to do that? It's so hard when Visas and work permits come into play. I'd love to be a writer. I have so many thoughts and opinions but I have no structure. I'd love to be a musician or a dancer, but I have no talent. I went through a horrible phase where I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife, to get married, to have children.. but after three years of that without the marriage or children, it got old. Ideally I'd love to be a librarian or work in a museum or an art gallery. Infact, I know nowadays that's what I'd like to do. I like the quietness, I like history and I especially love books. I could think nothing better than spending days sorting and organising. Once I sort the rest of my life out, I know thats what i'm going to focus on doing.

Just now, as I've mentioned, I work as a waitress. I work in a five star hotel, and even though I often hear myself exclaiming how much I despise my job, in many ways that's probably an exaggeration. I despise aspects of my job, yes. But sometimes I laugh so hard, I dance around, I feel okay and I realize I could be working a much worse job. I'm lucky I work with people who make me laugh and keep me going through long gruelling shifts.

Unfortunately, I work a lot of shifts during weddings which is hard to say the least. Not even a year ago I remember discussing my own wedding, I remember being told I was the only girl he wanted to marry, I remember looking at engagement rings.. and now I'm a waitress at someone elses wedding, i'm single, and i'm trying so hard to build a life for myself. I still struggle being an I instead of a we. I'm jaded now, part of me is unsure if I ever want to get married these days. Coming so close then being left with nothing and watching someone elses marriage fall apart is enough to put you off for life. My heart does sink a little watching the first dance, seeing the bride smile and knowing there is a huge possibility I'll never feel like that, I'll never get to experience it. But I put on a smile, I dance behind the bar and pretend. Some days it's just easier to pretend. Lately though, it's getting easier. Weddings sting less. I find myself hyper (or occassionally half cut) by 2am and I end up going home and feeling like I've had a good day, despite being half starved, exhausted with very painful feet.

B suggested I write a novel based on this part of my life, it's such a shame my writing has no structure. This blog is case and point.

Part 5. - The Good Day Vs Bad Day Debate

My life is currently in a state of transition, and when you're living in a transition, you always have good days and bad days. I often find myself wondering, as I met so many others do, about what makes a truly bad day and what can make an amazing day. This week it was highlighted more than usual for me. The day I was supposed to enjoy, the one that was supposed to be my good day, was Wednesday, my one day off from work this week. It started off pleasant enough. I went into town, chilled out, bought some new books, had a Starbucks Seattle Latte but then I came home and my mood just dipped. I had a melt down over finances (as the newly single girl so often does), I had a tizz over the fact my flatmates had their guys over and I was sat in my room having said melt down about said finances. I ended up walking across town at 10pm on my own to see a friendly face and help put a desk together. I came back about midnight argued with another friend then went to sleep, simply because that day just had to end.

Yesterday on the other hand, should of been a very bad day. It was chucking it down with rain, I had to walk to work in the rain and then I had to set up for an event at work, by lugging chairs around in the rain. I ended up soaked to the skin with hair that resembled a white girls 'fro. But still I was smiling. Maybe it was the company I was keeping? Who knows. I then came home, had an amazing bath with one of the best Lush bubble bar's I've ever used Marzibain. It smelt like Amaretto and was simply amazing. Then I cooked chicken chili (as Tesco's had no lean mince) and settled down to watch Up. Today again should of been a bad day, I was running late for work and had to pretty much run up the hill. I was suffering from neglect since my parents and sister buggered off for two weeks in the sunshine without me. However here I am, at twenty past two in the morning, still smiling from the day before and the fact I have a long shift at work tomorrow, beginning in less than twelve hours, still isn't enough to ruin my good mood. Tonight I know it was because of good company, spending the evening with B has become a weekly bitch, laugh and cry session and is clearly the therapy I need to get through these trying times.

Some mornings I wake up and struggle to get out of bed. I lie there and it's like my very exsitance is being held down to the bed and as I try and sit up it pulls me back. Those are the days I think are going to be dreadful. It feels as if all the colour has drained from my life and i'm not simply a black and white two dimensional being, much like an old photograph. Those are the days I know I'm alone. But, I find it funny how even though the day could start off bad, it could improve with the littlest of things. For example, if one of my housemates have left me a note on the white board on our fridge telling me how hot I am. Or a text from B saying she's in town and wonders if I'd like to go for coffee. Or even a card from back home telling me I'm missed. No day is truely ever doomed to be bad just because it starts off grey and gloomy. Just like the sky, it can start clouded over but sometimes is blue sky by four in the afternoon. Weather is fickle like that, as is life.

Part 4 - "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good"

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you." — Elbert Hubbard

Going through a break up always makes you realize who your true friends are, especially when like me, the relationship you're breaking up from was with someone who was such a big part of your life. Once the relationship is over you have this huge hole to fill with something else, you have all this time you spent with that other person which is now free time. I struggle with free time. I'm not someone who enjoys their own company (unless i'm asleep or taking a bath, then I can be on my own for ages). I struggle sitting still just watching tv or reading a book (unless it's a really good book), it's why I always liked running lines, when you're running lines it's not insane to be talking out loud to yourself. So over the past few months, my close friends have become my life lines. On the days i'm particularly struggling to keep above water, they're there for me. No matter what they're doing. I'm incredibly lucky that I have lived with my three best friends for a period of time during this break up, I have no idea how I would of survived without them.

In my opinion, in most friendships there is always a moment when you think to yourself "we're going to be friends for a long time." Using Harry Potter as an example, Harry, Ron and Hermione always refer to knocking out a Mountain Troll in the girls bathroom as the starting point of their friendship.

Friendships are a collection of memorable things that connect people together. Over the six, or perhaps it's almost seven years I have been friends with B, we have a huge collection of in jokes, memories and moments that will probably cause us to be friends for life. We've had our spats, our fall outs but I think, or maybe I mean hope, we're both mature enough not to let the little annoyances in life to come between us. I think since moving back here we've become closer than we've ever been. There is something about misery and heart break that binds women together. Then again, she's also the person who knows me better than anyone else and I'm pretty predictable to her, even though my life is such a constant mess, she's the only one who can figure out what's going on and what's going to happen. I think of her more than just "my best friend" she's the big sister I always wanted when growing up, she's older, wiser and offers advice at every turn.


She's the Elphaba to my incredibly flakey Glinda. Wicked has always been one of our things so it seemed apt for the first Halloween we were spending together that we dressed as our musical counterparts. She might not be too pleased about me using this picture on a public blog, however apart from us both looking pretty wide eyed (which for once isn't drink related) I like it.

"So much of me, is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart"

With J & K, I have a definite moment that has always defined our friendship. Well it's not exactly a moment, more of a night of debauchery. We all studied Drama at the same University and I became friends with them both quickly as they were in the same groups of me. I had a few individual nights out with the, but in the second half of semester two we were in the same group for Creation and Realisation. One night we all agreed to have a night out together. We started on cocktails, one pitcher each. Then we proceeded to the scummiest night club on Earth. We drank a lot, danced on speakers and a lot of things happened that we only laugh about together now as they're so embaressing! That was almost four years ago now. Recently we all moved in together and I have to admit this is the happiest i've ever been living anywhere, ever. I've had such an awful time lately but these girls are always there for me. We're all broke so our partying every night days are on hold but we still have fun. I'm so lucky to finally be living with them, it's something we talked about over two years ago but never got to do it. It's better than I could of ever imagined.

I have other friends, some I don't see much because they don't even live in this town, or sometimes even in this country! These are the friends I experience the "pause effect" with every day. There are ones I don't speak to for weeks then we do and it's like there is nothing different, they still know how to make me smile and I still know whats going on in their lives (one of the few good points of Facebook, I suppose). But life without B, J & K would be a pretty lame life.

Part 3. - Once Upon a Time, My First Love Story.

"Don't you think it's better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?" - Clare Abshire, The Time Travelers Wife

As you may have noticed from my last post, this time around i've chosen to change names to protect peoples identities. I don't really want to use this blog to bad mouth anyone, but to tell this story some people need and honorary mention. Whether it's because they did something that made me sad or something that made me happy. I try not regret anything in my life, as Jonathon Larson so aptly puts it in his Broadway hit, Rent "forget regret, or life is yours to miss." After I made the decision to finally call it a day in my relationship with Mr BFG, this was something I clung to for dear life. I was unhappy, I was wasting my precious life and what if in 10, 15, 20 years time, I realised I'd wasted my life on someone who didn't want to spend theirs with me? Life is too short to be unhappy, to not do what you want to do.

Once again, I'm on a tangent of what this entry was supposed to be about. To really understand things, to understand the relationships behind the nicknames, I have to go back to the beginning, to the one I so fondly call my first love, Mr Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

I could begin this story with the old "Once Upon a Time" because it works. I'm lucky enough to be able to think of my first love as a fairytale. Some days I even wake up and that's what it feels like it was. Sometimes I wish for a split second it was. It doesn't really have a happy ending, but it's an ending I can be content with.

I was fifteen years old. As I've mentioned before at fifteen I was a no one special sort of girl. I didn't wear make up, I had braces and blonde hair. I was short for my age and skinny, I looked like a little girl, but then again I'm twenty two and I still get asked for ID.. somethings never change. I was a goody two shoes in school, I had a few close friends but I was bullied a lot by the popular kids. I'd never been kissed yet my little sister was dating the popular boys in my year. It stung, and caused me to have little self esteem. Then I met a boy. He was older than me and in college. He was the nicest guy, everyone said so. We connected and talked all the time. I used to eat lunch at home just so I could speak to him. I used to skip classes. I was crazy about him. He promised me the world.

After a few months I found out his parents intended for him to not return for a second year at college and instead join the army. This devistated myself and him. We were both afraid. This was back in the beginning of the Iraq war, before Saddam Hussain was found. I was young, naive, afraid. I remember the day he had to leave college and return home, I knew it was now going to be mere days before he would be attending Boot Camp for training. As I've mentioned before that day I cried all day in my room, I even remember the t-shirt I was wearing that day. He wrote me a few letters, telling me to move on with my life, that he was sorry that I had to go through this. But then they stopped one day, I never heard from him again. I was in pieces but he was right, my friends were right, I was young, I was only sixteen.

I went away to college myself. I started to live my life. I met other guys. I kept his letters and his emails for years but eventually I took the plunge and got rid of them all. I stopped hoping one day I'd open my door and he'd be standing there because life doesn't happen like that. He'll probably be married now, have a family. He wanted all those things. But I was so young. This is why he's Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place. If I'd been older I know I could of stopped him going. If I'd met him now we could of been together, I'm an adult now and I can make those decisions. But at fifteen/sixteen.. you just can't. You're just a child. He'd be twenty five now. I hope he's happy, it's all I'd ever hope for the guy who stopped me giving up on love.. hope stopped me starving myself in a vain attempt to get guys to notice me, to try and make myself be more attactive.

B still often asks when we're discussing "happily ever after" (as we often do when we're together and especially after a few glasses of wine) what i'd do if one day we did cross paths again. My first instinct is "I'd marry him", but then I have to think again.

What i'm most thankful for with Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place, is the fact that in my head I have this perfect untainted memory of us. Yes in the end, I lost him. I was left broken but it wasn't through lack of trying or through anything either of us did, it was just bad circumstances. For a few months of my life I got to be in a real fairytale. I got the romance, I was swept off my feet. We never got to truely be together, it was never ruined, nothing can damage that. I'm thankful that my first love was truely perfect in so many ways. Not many people get to say that they had that.

Part 2. - Would You Believe Me If I Told You That My Life Has A Soundtrack?

"If music be the food of love, play on." - Twelfth Night, Act 1 Scene 1

Sometimes the only thing you need in the world is to spend time with your best friend. Lets call my best friend B, we're much closer than friends, my mum jokes that she is more like a big sister and the irony is, that growing up I always wanted a big sister. It's nice, both of us being in the same county now and her only being a £2.90 bus ride away. I've learnt in life, good friends are hard to come by, but the best ones are the ones that stick around. Recently, I read a blog post by a friend about the "Pause Effect". The "pause effect" is best explained like this; while I was living up north I had three incredibly close friends back where I'm living now, these were B, and my two flatmates J & K. We sometimes didn't speak for long periods of time and saw each other even less, but as soon as I was with them, it was like nothing had ever changed. We still acted the same, chatted about the same things, did the same things and there would never be any awkwardness or difficult moments. It was like for the time we spent apart, our friendship was paused, then once we're back in each others company we continue because we all understand sometimes life gets in the way.

Anyway, this isn't what the post was originally about. I might elaborate on the "pause effect" some other time. Tonight, I'm writing about music.

One of the things I find B and I always talk about is music, or more specifically the lyrics in music that reminds us of people, times and places. We both often use lyrics to describe how we're feeling when we can't find the words ourselves. After years of friendship, we know what songs prevoke sad memories, what songs make each other happy as they remind us of good times. We have some similar tastes in music, not all but we share a love of many many songs.

I'm one of these people that listens to music every day. I wouldn't say that music was my life, infact I hate when people say that because clearly music is not your life, if you didn't have music you wouldn't shrivel up and die like you would without water or air or love. But still, music is an important part of my life. I always pick songs that reflect how i'm feeling. I never pick songs to try and cheer me up, if I'm happy I'll listen to happy music, if I'm sad I'll listen to sad music. I like songs that lyrics explain things I have personally experienced. I rarely hear the tune of a song instead I always pick out the lyrics. I rarely like a song that is catchy unless it's the chorus that is catchy. I also remember lyrics like I remember quotes from books or films. Sometimes I even find them becoming mantras, like "I'm marvellous, I'm marvellous" from the Glee version of Poker Face. If i'm having an exceptionally tough day I'll sing that along in my head until I start to feel more positive about myself. It surprisingly works. Some of the songs that lyrics have special relevence to certain parts of my life are as follows

Hey There Deliah, by The Plain White Ts. This was "our song" for my relationship with my ex, lets call him Mr BFG. When it was released the lyrics were perfect for our long distance relationship, "A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got got trains and planes and cars, I'd walk to you if I have no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know none of them have felt this way". It was so perfect it at the time, but now it breaks my heart to hear. I hate remembering how happy we once were.

Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls. Another song that reminds me of a relationship, my first relationship infact, lets call him Mr Wrong Time, Wrong Place. I remember the day he left college and I wouldn't be able to contact him, I remember all the things he confided in me about going to war. I remember my heart breaking for the first time. The first verse and chorus were so apt for the time "And I'd give up forever to touch you, cause I know that you'd feel me somehow, you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now." the beginning of the song could reduce me to tears in seconds. I remember what I was wearing, I remember lying on my bed crying and my mother cutting the lawn in the front garden..

U & Ur Hand by Pink. This song was released in my first year at university. I'd had an unfortunate run in with an egotistic douche, I'd also recently broken up from my summer fling. This song used to always be on in clubs, it was so liberating, especially when drunk.. "I was fine before you walked into my life. 'Cause you know it's over, before it began. Keep your drink just give me the money. It's just you and your hand tonight!" It's especially important because it was on both the night I met Mr Impossible and the night I met Mr Maybe. Both nights when I was accepting being a young, free and single girl. God that never lasts.

Absolutely (Story of a Girl) by Nine Lives. At 16 I was an adorable sweet, innocent and naive girl, I was also quite an emotional wreck (that hasn't changed too much). "Your clothes never wear as well the next day. And your hair never falls in quite the same way. But you never seem to run out of things to say" this song sums me up perfectly. I haven't listened to it in so long but over the past few weeks i've found myself singing it in my head. Once again the lyrics feel very apt to my life.

Misunderstood by Better than Ezra. This is more a personal song. I don't have memories of a time and place that this song reflects, instead the lyrics just make me think of me, of who I want to be. I'm that girl waiting tables that hopes one day her moment will come and she'll get her dream job. "She takes a walk at 4AM. Wakes the neighborhood again. And I find myself recalling everything she used to tell me" I'm also the girl that seems to have some kind of after affect on guys, I hope it's because i'm memorable.

There are so many other songs like it, songs I listen to on repeat just to hear the lyrics because they remind me of something in particular. But it's not just the lyrics of songs that bring memories, sometimes the song itself provokes special memories for me. Perhaps I listened to it with someone special, perhaps someone recommended it to me.. Maybe I was in a certain time an place when I first heard it. Whenever I hear the song again I always go "oh I remember when this happened" I can't help it. My memory seems to be music enabled.

For example, i'm not a huge Mcfly fan, but Stargirl reminds me of dancing in the Engine Shed, a close guy friend dipping me in the middle of the dance floor. The same goes for Beating Hearts Baby by Head Automatica, it was my song as an under age teen in a very scummy club. I remember that club, and I remember all those songs. I remember those girls even though they turned out to be the worst kind of people. I remember The Used's Taste of Ink and making out under a table with a boy in a beanie hat in that same club. I remember going to a house party dressed as Tinkerbell and a guy who was friends with Mr Maybe dancing like crazy to New Found Glory's Hold Your Hand. I remember Mr Impossible serenading me Look After You by The Fray, followed by Semi Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind. I remember my face aching from smiling. I remember the same ex singing Everything by Michael Buble while he made me breakfast. I remember BFG being ridiculously drunk on his 20th Birthday singing The Space Between by Valencia. I remember agreeing to have Journey's Don't Stop Believing played at our wedding after playing it on Guitar Hero. I remember going to the cash and carry with B and her phones ring tone being Last Request by Paolo Nutini, I remember how we both loved it.

The list could go on like that. Most songs on my Itunes have some kind of memory attached to them, but I like it. As I said in the beginning, music is important to me. It has to be, as I have some kind of soundtrack on all the time in my head that goes along with the movie I call my life. But hey, don't we all?

Part 1. - This is a Story of a Girl.

"There is only one page left to write on. I will fill it with words of only one syllable. I love. I have loved. I will love." - Clare Abshire, The Time Travelers Wife

Sometimes endings are for the best, for example, sometimes you watch a sequel and realize that the end of the first movie should have been it. Or the end of the day when you crawl into bed with your loved one, or put your children to bed and have a well earned rest. Or the end of an especially hard shift at work, when you walk outside and inhale that fresh air smell of freedom. How about the end of a school year, especially when you know you have an excellent summer ahead of you? Everything in life has a beginning, a middle and an end, everything you do, everything you experience. Even life itself. Sometimes endings are hard, but after every ending, you have to remember something new is about to begin.

Seventy Seven Broadway, had to end as that part of my life had ended. I’m beginning a new kind of life, and with this new kind of life, comes a new kind of blog. A blog about an ordinary every day girl.

I love reading chick lit books, I love feeling like I could be the heroine of the book.. but in 9 cases out of 10, there is still something extra ordinary about the girl that I sometimes think I could be. Something extra ordinary that makes her worth having a story about her.. like she has a job where she can jet off to exotic places. Or she has money. Or connections. But what about the ordinary every day girl who’s trying to make her mark on the world? Someone with no special job, with little money and no connections. Someone like me? Does that mean my life isn’t worthy of a story? Sometimes I wish there were stories about real girls like me. Just so I know I’m not alone in the world, that there are other girls like me out there, the ordinary original ones. The ones who screw up often, make a fool of themselves. The ones who are afraid of being afraid.

My ex often told me how boring I am, but I know I’m not, and I know my life isn’t boring. I’d never let my life get boring because of the fact I’m so easily bored. I’m not someone who is content sitting around doing nothing, I always have to be doing something! But to him, I was boring. And hell, did that hurt... sometimes I’d start to think maybe I was. When you’re told something over and over again you start to believe it. I was told a lot of things at school, if my high school was the one from Glee, I’d be the one getting a slushy in her face. But I know it was because I was different from the socially accepted norm. I preferred the arts to sports and I didn’t drink or smoke or sleep with all the boys in my year. I used to be that good girl so back then, yes, maybe I was a little boring. I liked Shakespeare, and languages and playing the flute. But I know as soon as I left Berwick High School, I changed, and I know from then on, I was definitely anything but boring.

I’m off on a tangent. I apologize.

I’m now a twenty two year old girl, getting lost in the real world, fresh out and surviving the worst kind of heart break. I’m aspiring to be everything I’m not. I’m planning on seeing the world, one postcard place at a time. Loving, living and losing every day. I’m going to be the heroine of my own story, just an ordinary girl, doing every day things. I hope that perhaps this blog will be an inspiration for anyone else who has to one day pack up and leave their old life, move across the country and try and start something new. I hope one day I can read back and be proud of what i’ve accomplished, and most of all, I hope I can give all my followers a good laugh along the way.

So welcome to my world.