“In three words I can sum up everything i’ve learned about life - it goes on.”
- Robert Frost
Why am I always inspired to write at such inappropriate times? It's 2:38am and I'm sat cross legged on my bed, in my underwear cause it's so hot eating a bowl of cereal, probably not something anyone wants to imagine, but hey this is real life. I suddenly don't feel tired, but this could be because my room is strangely hot but I feel like I could write. So here I am, writing.
You meet people in life that you can just about have any conversation with and some of these conversations you have make you think. Not just about the conversation themselves, but about life and you end up assessing how you feel about things. You find yourself looking at things from a new perspective. I feel like that tonight. For some strange reason, I feel refreshed about certain aspects of my life this evening which is surprising since the conversations I had were about death and going to hell (which is actually one of our favourite topics of conversation, morbid much?)
While I was combing out my hair and taking off my make up, I ended up thinking about how I'm one of these girls that always wishes life was something else or that people would act a certain way towards me. I seem to spend all my time wishing I was someone else or I was older or younger, instead of looking at it exactly as it is and being happy about it. Because if I do look at it, there is a lot to be happy about it. Yes it's not perfect, yes I'd like Michael Cera to come and sweep me off my feet, but if i'm realistic, that is never going to happen. I need to accept this and get on with what I do have.
Just because I'm broke and I work as a waitress doesn't mean this is all i'm ever going to be. I'm twenty two and I love the people I get to spend every day of my life with. Yes, sometimes when we spend hours on end in each others hair we do all get catty and bitchy but they're some of the nicest and most caring people I've ever worked with. They're the kinda people who care about you and your life. If your sad, they want to know why, if something good as happened they want to hear about it and even though we all mutually agree we'd rather be else where we'd all be much more unhappy without one another around. And as for money, well we all know the saying "money can't buy you happiness" but it can help and that's the truth. I know I could be much more comfortable with money, but some people have to be broke and for the time being, that's me. I need to embrace it and find ways to have fun without money. Money can't buy me love (yes it could buy me sex, but that's hardly the same now, is it?) and I'm not always going to be a waitress, I just haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet... but when I do, I know it's going to be something great.
Just because I don't look like the girls on Britain's Next Top Model doesn't mean I'm not semi attractive. I need to learn to accept the fact I'm not Rachel Mcadams or Natalie Portman and be okay with this. I do have to admit since my break up back in May, I have been so much happier being me. I mean, dropping two dress sizes and finally having a hair style I sort of like has helped a lot... But I have accepted that I'm not the worst looking girl out there. Every girl has self esteem issues, whether they admit it or not. But for everything we think negative about ourselves perhaps we should look at a positive. For example, I hate my arms, but I'm told more often than not that I have nice legs. I'm always going to have this gawky smile, bad skin and hair that never lies flat, but I'm petite and I have nice eyes that sort of balances it out. I also have a cool accent that people focus on instead of the way I look. I think I'm okay with being me now, I think I can stop pretending I'm someone else.
Just because the undefinable semi relationship I do have isn't classic Hollywood romance, doesn't mean I should be oh so dramatic and miserable about it. Instead I should enjoy the fact that I have someone who walks me home and kisses me goodnight on my door step. He's someone I can actually hold a conversation with, and he makes me laugh, and if it comes to nothing more, I should be happy I had at least that. I like spending time with him (and I hope he likes spending time with me), and I miss him when I don't see him for a few days, and whether he admits it or not, I know he misses me (sorry, but if you read this, yes you do). I'm sorry I'm impatient, I am happy that I met you.
Just because this isn't exactly the life I'd want to have, I have to stop wishing I could switch with someone else. If I'm not happy with something, I need to change it myself. No one else is going to do it for me and if I can't change it right off, I need to be happy with what I have. I'm not talking about settling, no one should have to settle, but fuck, I'm much luckier than some people. I need to stop wishing in my life and start living it, otherwise I'm going to end up old and wishing I was young to do it all again. I do have everything I want, but I'm going to mess it up or realise it too late. Who needs anymore than a man to kiss, friends to love, a means of making money (even if it is soul sucking as all jobs are), fun, laughter, food and a roof over their head... looking at my life I have all that. I need to stop. I'm stopping. I am. Because, put like I have right now, I am happy. I'm happy being me.
I can never get today back, and tomorrow will never be the same as yesterday. I'll never get to be this age again, I'll never have this moment and every time I wish I was being somebody else that's a minute of my life gone. I'm not perfect, so it's apt I have a very imperfect life but maybe my life would feel more perfect for me if I embraced it as it is? As Jonathon Larson so beautifully puts it in his musical Rent "forget regret or life is yours to miss". And as cliche as it is, I'm the one holding the pen here, I need to stop scribbling.
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