Part 6. - "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"

Alice: A man came into the cafe today and said, "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"
Dan: Funny Guy
Alice: I said, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck me sideways with a beautiful line like that"
- Closer, Patrick Marber

As much as we don't want to admit it, our jobs and careers are a huge part of our lives. At the moment I feel like all I do is work and sleep, occasionally passing up on sleep to fit in a little bit of socializing. It's tragic to say the least. I wish more people had insisted that I really appreciate the time I spent at school, college and uni because it would be the last time i'd be able to HAVE time to do what I want. No one really stressed to me how awful it was to work 40 + hours a week. When ever I want to do something, I have to factor in when i'm working, not just what day and time but what my shifts are before and after. For example, I can't very well have a night out if I'm starting work at 7am. When I have long shifts in concession everything else has to stop. I don't have time for washing up, or making my bed, or even eating half the time. I get up, I take a bath, I work, I sleep. The house becomes a mess and I look a mess, but you do reach a certain point of exhaustion where you stop caring and then the fact your life is a mess is no longer an issue. The worst part though, my job isn't even important. It's not like i'm a doctor or a lawyer or something equally as important...

Whenever anyone asks what I do for a living, I reply with "I'm a cliche, I'm a failed actress working as a waitress." I'm not a very good waitress at that. I'm clumsy and a total flake. I can't cash up, I break glasses, I trip over customers bags.. but I still make tips. That could be because I'm a good actress and I make a good first impression. I smile, I laugh and I make conversation. A past employer once told me I would make a much better waitress if I wasn't so good at performing. The floor is my stage and while I'm serving, I always have someones attention. But i'm not always going to be a waitress.

I've had customers ask me what i'm going to be when I grow up. Of course I reply cheekily that I'm never going to grow up. Realistically, the very idea of being thirty and still a waitress upsets and frightens me. But i'm one of these girls who would like to be a million things. When I was a child I went through the usual careers, pink power ranger, nursary nurse, vet, teacher before deciding I wanted to be on tv at about the age of eight. It must of been a little disappointing for my parents since my sister wanted to be a dancer and I wanted to be an actress, no big money makers there. Sadly for both of us, we come from a small town where the arts aren't heavily supported and we come from a family that doesn't have enough money to ship us off to London. It's not their fault, it's not our fault, but I suppose it wasn't supposed to be. So of course now I have to decide what I really want to do with my life. Part of me would still love to act, especially in Shakespeare. I make a damn good damsel in distress. I'd make an excellent Desdemona in Othello, or Ophelia in Hamlet or especially Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But que será será, at twenty two, I've learnt life isn't always what you want. Even the man who has everything always wants something else.

I'd love to be a traveller, to dance around the globe picking up jobs where ever. A true bohemian exsistance. But in reality who really gets to do that? It's so hard when Visas and work permits come into play. I'd love to be a writer. I have so many thoughts and opinions but I have no structure. I'd love to be a musician or a dancer, but I have no talent. I went through a horrible phase where I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife, to get married, to have children.. but after three years of that without the marriage or children, it got old. Ideally I'd love to be a librarian or work in a museum or an art gallery. Infact, I know nowadays that's what I'd like to do. I like the quietness, I like history and I especially love books. I could think nothing better than spending days sorting and organising. Once I sort the rest of my life out, I know thats what i'm going to focus on doing.

Just now, as I've mentioned, I work as a waitress. I work in a five star hotel, and even though I often hear myself exclaiming how much I despise my job, in many ways that's probably an exaggeration. I despise aspects of my job, yes. But sometimes I laugh so hard, I dance around, I feel okay and I realize I could be working a much worse job. I'm lucky I work with people who make me laugh and keep me going through long gruelling shifts.

Unfortunately, I work a lot of shifts during weddings which is hard to say the least. Not even a year ago I remember discussing my own wedding, I remember being told I was the only girl he wanted to marry, I remember looking at engagement rings.. and now I'm a waitress at someone elses wedding, i'm single, and i'm trying so hard to build a life for myself. I still struggle being an I instead of a we. I'm jaded now, part of me is unsure if I ever want to get married these days. Coming so close then being left with nothing and watching someone elses marriage fall apart is enough to put you off for life. My heart does sink a little watching the first dance, seeing the bride smile and knowing there is a huge possibility I'll never feel like that, I'll never get to experience it. But I put on a smile, I dance behind the bar and pretend. Some days it's just easier to pretend. Lately though, it's getting easier. Weddings sting less. I find myself hyper (or occassionally half cut) by 2am and I end up going home and feeling like I've had a good day, despite being half starved, exhausted with very painful feet.

B suggested I write a novel based on this part of my life, it's such a shame my writing has no structure. This blog is case and point.