Part 14. - The one in which I question the nature of love.

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I am done meeting men who have no interest in seeing the real me. The ones who give the once over with their eyes in the club and that is all they care about. What they see. That isn't who I am, and if you want to be with me, you should probably know...

I'm clumsy. So clumsy it's debatable as to how I've ended up as a waitress. I always seem to hurt myself, and break things, and trip up. If I told you I used to be a ballerina, I'm sure you'd think I was lying. My hair never lies right and my make up always runs, even if it isn't raining. I'm awkward and I always say the wrong thing. I have the oddest style, every day I look like i've lost a fight with my wardrobe. I'm a self confessed hopeless romantic. I pretend I'm jaded and bitter about love but it's a lie. I'm still waiting on my prince to come and rescue me even though my dad told me last week he's never going to come. My sister's shrink says my perception of real life and fantasy is unbalanced, she's never even met me. I laugh and smile, even when it's inappropriate because its how i've taught myself to stop crying. I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm afraid, lost, hurt and lonely.. I cry with laughter. I like Disney, and somedays I'll want you to just sit with me and watch The Lion King or Cinderella, it's a real bonus if you know all the words too. I talk in my sleep and i've been told I steal all the quilt. I like to cook for two and I'm not too dreadful, I promise I won't poison you.

I'm not looking for a guy who has a fast car or lots of money.. but if you do have a car I love to sit in the passengers seat with my feet on your dash singing obnoxiously along with a mix tape. I don't want you to be into football, or many sports at all.. I'd prefer you to like books and music. Then maybe we could have a real conversation. I'm a sucker for a musician or an artist.. At the very least know how to pronounce Merlot properly, please. The sexiest thing a man can wear is a pair of Converse Allstars, I can assure you I'm already yours. Fight with me, argue, show you have an opinion. I was brought up being taught that being able to fight your corner was not a bad thing. It shows you have passion for something, and I like passion. I'm passionate, in love and in life. You need to be too, as I know i'm capable of walking all over you. I need a guy who'll keep me in my place, I'm a bitch otherwise and I'd hate to end up wearing the trousers, because I don't even wear trousers! Fight for me. Please show me chiverly isn't dead. If we have a fight show up at my door, at midday or midnight, it doesn't matter. You don't even have to say you're sorry because as soon as I see you on my doorstep, I'll melt and say it first.

What is love anyway? I constantly meet men and they ask for my number or kiss me before they should. I don't feel anything for them, and if I do recipricate as they wish me to it's because I've drank too much vodka... and then the men I do like, the ones that give me butterflies and when they text me it makes me day so much better and their smile just makes me melt, they never like me back like that. So what happens? Do I just keep kissing all these men until I find one who is everything I'm looking got and I have to hope that he feels that way about me.. I don't know how many more times I can fall for someone and have my heartbroken before I've even said "I love you" I'm getting so close to giving up now. I feel like everyday i'm less and less like the girl I was before and I'm becoming more jaded when it comes to love. Is romance slowly dying? Or maybe it's just me..

Maybe that's it.. it's me.