Part 11. - "Happy girls are the prettiest" Audrey Hepburn

This won't be a long one as I have a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor that needs put away before I fall asleep (having blissful dreams of Brad Pitt, induced by the fact I'm watching Meet Joe Black for the very first time, I hope it's as good as i've been informed it is.) But for the first time in a long time, I can say I'm spending more time happy than I am upset or confused. Yes, I still have those days, those days I don't want to get out from under my quilt, when everything in life seems hopeless and pointless. I still sometimes don't understand things in life, sometimes I'm as lost and confused as I ever was. I'm probably always deep down going to be an Alice lost in Wonderland.

Here are somethings that make me happy in life, it really is the little things with me.

• Bubble Baths in the evenings.
  Candles, lush bubble bar, glossy magazine (Vogue, Instyle, Elle, Glamour, Harpers Bazaar, something high end of course) and a glass of wine. I was told recently that it seemed very glamourous, it's just how I relax and the bathroom smells so good afterwards.
  
• Lunch with the girls.
  It started off once a week, now it's ending up three or four times a week. Never anywhere classy or expensive but the company is wondeful as is the chats we have. I often do lunch with the two loveliest girls from work or out with my gorgeous housemates.
  
• Singing along with and dancing around to Musical Sountracks.
  Nothing makes me happier than putting on a musical soundtrack and having a good sing song while I do the housework. I love a bit of Wicked or Rent or Chicago, and i've recently discovered a love for Nine and The Last 5 Years (which I saw in Edinburgh on the Fringe)
• Cheap Disney DVDs
  My flatmate K told me that CEX sometimes does cheap discontinued Disney DVDs, last week I treated myself to The Lady and the Tramp for £10. My dad also bought me Dinosaur (not exactly one of my favourites) but it was a nice surprise. They're also two for £15 at Tescos just now.
  
• Afternoon Naps
  Makes me feel like a student again, but they're just so good.
• Half price food days and drink nights at my favourite bars.
  This goes along with lunch with the girls, 50% off at Slug and Lettuce on Monday, then two for one cocktails on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Half price food and drink at Dogma on a Sunday and Tuesday and 50% off at Vodka Revolution on a Tuesday.
• Britain's Next Top Model Final and new cycle of America's Next Top Model.
  As one of my guy friends so kindly put it last night, vanity TV.. but I can't help it. I love it and it's addictive. Much better than X Factor...
• Buying train tickets home.
  I've been really home sick lately, don't know why to be honest. But all I seem to do is work and then I still never have money to do anything which is frustrating. But I'm booked to go home for a few days next month, then today I was talking to my mum about Christmas... going home is the only reason I'm looking forward to it.
• When a guy tries to prove not all guys are jerks.
  I work with this guy who seems determined to prove to me not all men want to jerk me around. It's really quite sweet of him but he has a girlfriend and I don't want to put her back up.
• Days off.
  Who doesn't love a day off work?

There is probably so much more that's making me happy right now, but I'm tired and not actually that happy at this very present moment (very long and pretty bad day). Tomorrow is a day off so hopefully that alone will have me smiling. Goodnight.

Part 10. - The One in Which I Have a Break Through in Life.

“In three words I can sum up everything i’ve learned about life - it goes on.”
- Robert Frost

Why am I always inspired to write at such inappropriate times? It's 2:38am and I'm sat cross legged on my bed, in my underwear cause it's so hot eating a bowl of cereal, probably not something anyone wants to imagine, but hey this is real life. I suddenly don't feel tired, but this could be because my room is strangely hot but I feel like I could write. So here I am, writing.

You meet people in life that you can just about have any conversation with and some of these conversations you have make you think. Not just about the conversation themselves, but about life and you end up assessing how you feel about things. You find yourself looking at things from a new perspective. I feel like that tonight. For some strange reason, I feel refreshed about certain aspects of my life this evening which is surprising since the conversations I had were about death and going to hell (which is actually one of our favourite topics of conversation, morbid much?)

While I was combing out my hair and taking off my make up, I ended up thinking about how I'm one of these girls that always wishes life was something else or that people would act a certain way towards me. I seem to spend all my time wishing I was someone else or I was older or younger, instead of looking at it exactly as it is and being happy about it. Because if I do look at it, there is a lot to be happy about it. Yes it's not perfect, yes I'd like Michael Cera to come and sweep me off my feet, but if i'm realistic, that is never going to happen. I need to accept this and get on with what I do have.

Just because I'm broke and I work as a waitress doesn't mean this is all i'm ever going to be. I'm twenty two and I love the people I get to spend every day of my life with. Yes, sometimes when we spend hours on end in each others hair we do all get catty and bitchy but they're some of the nicest and most caring people I've ever worked with. They're the kinda people who care about you and your life. If your sad, they want to know why, if something good as happened they want to hear about it and even though we all mutually agree we'd rather be else where we'd all be much more unhappy without one another around. And as for money, well we all know the saying "money can't buy you happiness" but it can help and that's the truth. I know I could be much more comfortable with money, but some people have to be broke and for the time being, that's me. I need to embrace it and find ways to have fun without money. Money can't buy me love (yes it could buy me sex, but that's hardly the same now, is it?) and I'm not always going to be a waitress, I just haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet... but when I do, I know it's going to be something great.

Just because I don't look like the girls on Britain's Next Top Model doesn't mean I'm not semi attractive. I need to learn to accept the fact I'm not Rachel Mcadams or Natalie Portman and be okay with this. I do have to admit since my break up back in May, I have been so much happier being me. I mean, dropping two dress sizes and finally having a hair style I sort of like has helped a lot... But I have accepted that I'm not the worst looking girl out there. Every girl has self esteem issues, whether they admit it or not. But for everything we think negative about ourselves perhaps we should look at a positive. For example, I hate my arms, but I'm told more often than not that I have nice legs. I'm always going to have this gawky smile, bad skin and hair that never lies flat, but I'm petite and I have nice eyes that sort of balances it out. I also have a cool accent that people focus on instead of the way I look. I think I'm okay with being me now, I think I can stop pretending I'm someone else.

Just because the undefinable semi relationship I do have isn't classic Hollywood romance, doesn't mean I should be oh so dramatic and miserable about it. Instead I should enjoy the fact that I have someone who walks me home and kisses me goodnight on my door step. He's someone I can actually hold a conversation with, and he makes me laugh, and if it comes to nothing more, I should be happy I had at least that. I like spending time with him (and I hope he likes spending time with me), and I miss him when I don't see him for a few days, and whether he admits it or not, I know he misses me (sorry, but if you read this, yes you do). I'm sorry I'm impatient, I am happy that I met you.

Just because this isn't exactly the life I'd want to have, I have to stop wishing I could switch with someone else. If I'm not happy with something, I need to change it myself. No one else is going to do it for me and if I can't change it right off, I need to be happy with what I have. I'm not talking about settling, no one should have to settle, but fuck, I'm much luckier than some people. I need to stop wishing in my life and start living it, otherwise I'm going to end up old and wishing I was young to do it all again. I do have everything I want, but I'm going to mess it up or realise it too late. Who needs anymore than a man to kiss, friends to love, a means of making money (even if it is soul sucking as all jobs are), fun, laughter, food and a roof over their head... looking at my life I have all that. I need to stop. I'm stopping. I am. Because, put like I have right now, I am happy. I'm happy being me.


I can never get today back, and tomorrow will never be the same as yesterday. I'll never get to be this age again, I'll never have this moment and every time I wish I was being somebody else that's a minute of my life gone. I'm not perfect, so it's apt I have a very imperfect life but maybe my life would feel more perfect for me if I embraced it as it is? As Jonathon Larson so beautifully puts it in his musical Rent "forget regret or life is yours to miss". And as cliche as it is, I'm the one holding the pen here, I need to stop scribbling.

Part 9. - When Men Don't Cut It Anymore.

On Sunday I went for an early dinner with the girls to a bar called Dogma. On a Sunday they do half priced food and drinks so it was perfect for three broke girls who had a lot to catch up on. We all ordered and discussed our favourite topic, men. In a way it's completely tragic that three early twenty something girls spend their Sunday evening pouring their hearts out about how hard it is where men are concerned. We talked a lot, then after a nice discussion of how I'd been watching Sugar Rush lately, J and I decided we should forget men and try a turn with women. We even tried to go to the only gay bar in town, which doesn't open on a Sunday (we found out after we walked all the way there, excited by the prospect of pulling girls) so instead we settled for cocktails in Varsity and we returned to our discussion of our plight in relationships.

After we returned home I got to thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone of the same sex. I'm not in the least bit homophobic and from a young age I've had no problem with kissing girls, and I do find some women attractive, even in a sexual sense. But I'm unsure now how far I'd be able to go with a girl. Is finding one attractive enough of a turn on? I'm not sure. I've never been that attracted to the naked female form, this is why I've never questioned whether I'm bisexual before. I have a feeling I could get as far as underwear then I'd be shaking my head and claiming not to be able to go any further, and as far as the sex goes.. I definitely think I'd much rather be having sex with a man, any day. But after the week i've had being there for my friends, it's definitely food for thought.. and of course watching Sugar Rush definitely has prompted this train of thought.

My flatmates and I discussed which women we find attractive, and like with men we all had different tastes. With Sugar Rush as a starting point, I find Saint attractive and J finds Kim attractive. Then in Gossip Girl I find Blair hot and J finds Serena (like she finds Nate delicious and I find Chuck's bad boy act a turn on). J also claimed if she was going to be with a girl she'd want her to be curvy where as the kind of girls i'm attractive to are the flat chested boyish ones.. which strangely mirrors the kind of guys I'm attracted to. Maybe it's all relative, and it's people i'm attracted, to not a particular sex. Maybe I'm so confused with relationships and sex at the minute (or the lack of) I have no idea what or who I'm attracted to! But if I could have my pick of women, I would definitely not say no to

(L-R Natalie Portman, Rachel Mcadams, Scarlett Johansson and Zooey Deschanel)

However one girl we all agreed on was the beautiful Katy Perry. I mean, who wouldn't?

I don't mind how people take this.. I don't really want anyone rushing to tell my parents I've come out, especially since I haven't. I honestly would still much rather meet a lovely boy, but girls do think about such things and that's what I've created this blog for, for the truth. And I have to admit, that J, K & I often have conversations with one another that men dream women have when they get together. And these are our sober conversations..

Part 8. - All Change Again

My life is so incredibly messed at the moment, that once again everything is changing around me but I'm still standing in one place, part of me wishes I was the one moving. It would be much easier if that was the case. But life goes on, we pick up the pieces of the mess we've made and we build something new. That's the way of the world and maybe, eventually we'll build something we truly love.

Isn't it funny how you can be incredibly happy with life and incredibly pissed off at it at exactly the same time? That's how I feel right now. Some factors of my life just make it worth living, for example going out for dinner with my flatmates on Sunday, it was so amazing that it deserves a whole post of it's own which I may actually do this evening. Other parts of my life however are just so stressful, examples being men, not just in my life but how they treat my friends. It infuriates how men claim how difficult women are, how women play games when we don't. Men play games, they never say how they feel or what they want and just leave you to work it out yourself. My job also. But that isn't even something worth going into or something I'd want anyone who reads this to care about.

I've learned so much over the past few months about life, friendships and priorities. Like I've said, I'm happy most of the time. I actually for the first time in years feel like I have a life. I go out to lunch, I go out drinking, I go to the cinema and it's nice. I feel like a twenty two year old again. And yes it's not perfect and it's not exactly what I want as of yet but I'm happy while I decide what it is I want to do. Who I want to be.

To be continued..

July Snapshot 2010

I've decided to bring over Monthly Snapshot from Seventy Seven Broadway. I enjoyed doing it and it's great for when I'm too busy having a life to blog (I promise that it doesn't last long and doesn't happen often. So here is what was good in July.

Midget Mojitos at Charlotte House Hotel, 24/7/2010

Listening...Katy Perry's California Gurls

Reading... Living La Vida Loca

Watching... Glee mainly.

Buying... Not much, I've been so broke! OH I bought a new dress and some incredibly cute underwear.

Wanting... Things to start being easier. I spend every day so fucking confused.

Trying... To stay positive. Build a new life. Save some money for NYC.

Loving.. Living with J & K. Being able to see B all the time. When it gets to that stupidly late time at work and we all end up drinking.. oops.

Planning... NYC & London.

Making.... an attempt at starting my life over.. some days it's going well, some days it's not.

Writing... This new blog.

Cooking... nothing.. I made cupcakes for J's birthday though. They were truly awful.

Inspired by... Rachel Berry in Glee.

Part 7. - The Wonders of Catharsis

"Sometimes when we weep in the movies we weep for ourselves or for a life unlived. Or we even go to the movies because we want to resist the emotion that's there in front of us. I think there is always a catharsis that I look for and that makes the movie experience worthwhile." - Edward Zwick.

Catharsis, in the dramaturgical sense is the emotional cleansing of the audience and/or characters in a play. Of course, having been a drama student in the past, some days I feel the need for some catharsis in my every day life, be it that I'm angry or sad or even incredibly happy. I find the best way to do this is through reading or watching a particular movie. Trying to build a new life is an emotional trial, and in the future I will look back and not envy anyone trying to do it. This week alone I've managed to go through a roller coaster of emotions, some of my own and some on behalf of friends, ranging from being very happy, to falling, to being so angry, to being so afraid. These emotions are the ones the Ancient Greeks felt the need to purge through going to the theatre. However it being late on a Friday night, I had to settle for a movie. A favorite cathartic movie of mine, is Moulin Rouge, directed by Baz Luhrmann and starring Nicole Kidman and Ewan Mcgregor, which was my choice for the evening.

Although I occassionally watch Moulin Rouge because sometimes you do just need to sit and cry, not because you're miserable but because you have things you feel like you want to cry about and once you have you feel better for it, but because it's such a beautiful film. I feel like I'm a true bohemian, the values of freedom, beauty, music and love are important in my life. I love the passion, the songs, the colours, the costumes, but above all, I love the story. It's a love story of epic proportions, you cannot help but be swept away in the whirlwind romance of Satine and Christian. It makes you believe in love. You believe they love one another, but of course that's probably because they're good at acting. I always sit and watch while hugging my pillow, wishing for such romance, passion and undenyable romance in my life. However, Moulin Rouge, isn't a wishy washy love story, I personally feel it personifies the distructiveness of love. This is most apparant in The Tango Roxanne. I usually end up with goosebumps because the song is just how I understand jealousy to be. It's dark, it's damaging but in the same time, you cannot have jealousy without the love, without the passion because otherwise you would have nothing to be jealous of. People do crazy things when they're in love, either because of the love or because of the envy, the two are ultimately connected.

After the movie was finished and I was suffering from a post movie break down headache, I did feel better. I was in a strangely better place, I'd cried, gotten over some issues and was ready to carry on. It's surprising, the wonders a few tears can do. I mean, I cry a lot and I'm one of the few that can cry on cue. But after a genuine heart felt cry, where you just cry for everything in your life you feel sad about, it's very freeing and relieving. Just the same as when you giggle inappropriately for what seems to no reason to anyone else but you. But you know it's because in that moment, no matter how long it lasts or doesn't, you don't care about anything else, and you're genuinely happy.

For reference, I find the following, excellent catharsis material for anyone who needs a good cry.

• A Walk to Remember
  The movie, with Mandy Moore. I first watched it at a friends birthday, I was warned it was sad but I seriously had no idea HOW sad.
  
• The Time Travelers Wife
  The movie is sad, but the book is so much worse. I think I cried for the last 100 pages or so.
  
• Little Women
  Both the movie and the book. I remember watching some Top 100 Family Movies and they showed the bit where Beth is saying goodbye to Jo and withing a minute I was in floods of tears!
• Rent
  I Will Cover You Reprise. Enough said.
  

There are so many more, but for me, these three are true tearjerkers, without a doubt provoke a purge of emotions.

Part 6. - "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"

Alice: A man came into the cafe today and said, "Hey waitress, what are you waiting for?"
Dan: Funny Guy
Alice: I said, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck me sideways with a beautiful line like that"
- Closer, Patrick Marber

As much as we don't want to admit it, our jobs and careers are a huge part of our lives. At the moment I feel like all I do is work and sleep, occasionally passing up on sleep to fit in a little bit of socializing. It's tragic to say the least. I wish more people had insisted that I really appreciate the time I spent at school, college and uni because it would be the last time i'd be able to HAVE time to do what I want. No one really stressed to me how awful it was to work 40 + hours a week. When ever I want to do something, I have to factor in when i'm working, not just what day and time but what my shifts are before and after. For example, I can't very well have a night out if I'm starting work at 7am. When I have long shifts in concession everything else has to stop. I don't have time for washing up, or making my bed, or even eating half the time. I get up, I take a bath, I work, I sleep. The house becomes a mess and I look a mess, but you do reach a certain point of exhaustion where you stop caring and then the fact your life is a mess is no longer an issue. The worst part though, my job isn't even important. It's not like i'm a doctor or a lawyer or something equally as important...

Whenever anyone asks what I do for a living, I reply with "I'm a cliche, I'm a failed actress working as a waitress." I'm not a very good waitress at that. I'm clumsy and a total flake. I can't cash up, I break glasses, I trip over customers bags.. but I still make tips. That could be because I'm a good actress and I make a good first impression. I smile, I laugh and I make conversation. A past employer once told me I would make a much better waitress if I wasn't so good at performing. The floor is my stage and while I'm serving, I always have someones attention. But i'm not always going to be a waitress.

I've had customers ask me what i'm going to be when I grow up. Of course I reply cheekily that I'm never going to grow up. Realistically, the very idea of being thirty and still a waitress upsets and frightens me. But i'm one of these girls who would like to be a million things. When I was a child I went through the usual careers, pink power ranger, nursary nurse, vet, teacher before deciding I wanted to be on tv at about the age of eight. It must of been a little disappointing for my parents since my sister wanted to be a dancer and I wanted to be an actress, no big money makers there. Sadly for both of us, we come from a small town where the arts aren't heavily supported and we come from a family that doesn't have enough money to ship us off to London. It's not their fault, it's not our fault, but I suppose it wasn't supposed to be. So of course now I have to decide what I really want to do with my life. Part of me would still love to act, especially in Shakespeare. I make a damn good damsel in distress. I'd make an excellent Desdemona in Othello, or Ophelia in Hamlet or especially Helena in A Midsummer Night's Dream. But que será será, at twenty two, I've learnt life isn't always what you want. Even the man who has everything always wants something else.

I'd love to be a traveller, to dance around the globe picking up jobs where ever. A true bohemian exsistance. But in reality who really gets to do that? It's so hard when Visas and work permits come into play. I'd love to be a writer. I have so many thoughts and opinions but I have no structure. I'd love to be a musician or a dancer, but I have no talent. I went through a horrible phase where I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife, to get married, to have children.. but after three years of that without the marriage or children, it got old. Ideally I'd love to be a librarian or work in a museum or an art gallery. Infact, I know nowadays that's what I'd like to do. I like the quietness, I like history and I especially love books. I could think nothing better than spending days sorting and organising. Once I sort the rest of my life out, I know thats what i'm going to focus on doing.

Just now, as I've mentioned, I work as a waitress. I work in a five star hotel, and even though I often hear myself exclaiming how much I despise my job, in many ways that's probably an exaggeration. I despise aspects of my job, yes. But sometimes I laugh so hard, I dance around, I feel okay and I realize I could be working a much worse job. I'm lucky I work with people who make me laugh and keep me going through long gruelling shifts.

Unfortunately, I work a lot of shifts during weddings which is hard to say the least. Not even a year ago I remember discussing my own wedding, I remember being told I was the only girl he wanted to marry, I remember looking at engagement rings.. and now I'm a waitress at someone elses wedding, i'm single, and i'm trying so hard to build a life for myself. I still struggle being an I instead of a we. I'm jaded now, part of me is unsure if I ever want to get married these days. Coming so close then being left with nothing and watching someone elses marriage fall apart is enough to put you off for life. My heart does sink a little watching the first dance, seeing the bride smile and knowing there is a huge possibility I'll never feel like that, I'll never get to experience it. But I put on a smile, I dance behind the bar and pretend. Some days it's just easier to pretend. Lately though, it's getting easier. Weddings sting less. I find myself hyper (or occassionally half cut) by 2am and I end up going home and feeling like I've had a good day, despite being half starved, exhausted with very painful feet.

B suggested I write a novel based on this part of my life, it's such a shame my writing has no structure. This blog is case and point.